Livin’

My life has transformed in the past three months. I finished college, got a job in my field and I’m doing a ton of adult things. It feels good to be where I am right now.

I know spring is coming. Dates will arrive, but I’m feeling optimistic and hopeful that I’ll be okay. I’m in the real adult world everyday, so there’s no time for internal turbulence.

Something happens when I step into my work place, I feel this incredible amount of strength that I have never felt before. I don’t feel different or weird. My area of work is mentally and physically taxing but it’s my passion. I know how it feels to be different and not understand this world. I’m being pushed to be the best educator I can be working with some of the most challenging students. And, I love every second of it.

I’m surrounded by little geniuses that do not have the ability to speak. The energy and life that I feel each day is incredible. Most of my coworkers are as passionate as I and it’s just amazing. People with differing abilities can teach people so many things, it’s just magnificent.

On the rough days at work it is not a rarity for an impromptu Disney song dance party to break out at moments notice, or free breakfast the following day. In my area of work, the moments are the most important.

It is truly a great time to be alive.

The Torn Divide

Recently there have been times when I forget that I am multiple. My little people are still in there chatting away, singing obnoxious songs and trying to bribe me to give them my password to the App Store. But they are sounding lower because I am just so focused in my work.

I am present in my body more than I have been in so long. I can feel my skin against my clothing. I feel the air, my eye lashes on my face and so many small details that I am usually not present enough to feel.

I am doing well in the area of DID and life. However, I have always had a hard time with the social part of life. I am good at making friends, people think I’m out going and no one could ever tell that I’m multiple.

I’m just finding it so difficult to be social with my friends right now. One of my close friends who doesn’t know about my DID can’t understand my social avoidance. There is so much good change happening in my life. I’m so thankful to be where I am but there is a divide that I face in the social area.

When I was at one of the most social ages of my life, I spent almost all of it inside of hospitals. When all of my friends were being social I was inpatient in isolation. I think that has a huge effect on my ability to be social.

I have a hard time articulating this to people when they ask me to go to places with a lot of people. It’s just difficult and just a reminder of differences. I haven’t given this area of my life much exportation because it is painful for me. I am torn between living this amazing life and being paralyzed in many social situations.

Healing Feeling

At one point or another I have questioned why despite the many suicide attempts I made, I lived. There were a good two years when I wanted to end my life so badly. I went to great lengths because the pain became too unbearable.

This month marks the 4 year anniversary of my last suicide attempt. The ironic part is that on the actual date this year I started my new job. When I looked at the date, I took a deep breath, and just took in everything around me.

My life has changed significantly and I’m okay. I’m alive, truly living my life being present in my body. It’s such a different feeling.

In the past 4 years I have accomplished so much. I have developed into a strong, confident person living with alters. I have DID but no one would ever know it unless I tell them. I’m finally in a place where I have choice. Sometimes all these amazing things are simply overwhelming.

I never thought I would be successful. The question now is what do you do when your aspirations are coming true and most days it’s just great to be alive. That sentence sums up where I am currently.

My alters are getting strong and loving their lives more each day. There are still rough moments but coming this far the moments no longer define us.

I always wondered what healing would feel like. It’s the ability to breath in deeply without the heaviness in my body. It’s the peaceful nights of sleep. It’s the sound of my alters reading a book to one another before going to sleep. And it’s just knowing that there is nothing that can ever break me.

Sound of Darkness

There are times when this journey is so overwhelming. Some moments, the heaviness of it all takes over. It’s not often that this happens. But it does due to the nature of this work.

This journey can be quite lonely at times. The moments at night when the rest of the world is sleeping. It’s the darkness of the past that brings fear to the present. The dark nights alone that become sleepless, attempting to find comfort in the sunrise.

The moments that feel like hours. Listening to my own breathing, waiting for the moment to pass in hopes that I can get a few hours of rest. The empty shadows, the corners of the room, the sound of quiet which are deafening. The loud silence enables my memories of waiting in the darkness. The darkness was the busiest time which may be the reason that those moments overwhelm at times.

A Touch of Thriving

Some exciting things are happening right now. I am finishing college in mere days. I had mixed feelings but I’m finally excited. I am a creature of habit, I thrive in that environment. Finishing college is going to change my routine.

However. Change in the only constant. I have waited almost 7 years to get here. It’s amazing how time heals. I found myself through my education and it’s such a triumphant moment.

Going to school while doing therapy is not an easy feat. This journey is not for the weak.

Sometimes I found myself going to class for the mere fact, that I could be physically close to another human being. In the past two years, I have dealt with my issues surrounding touch. I realize now, that I love to be physically close to people that I love. I never realized the importance of physical human connection. My T helped me to feel like a human again.

But all the change that is happening in my life right now is good. I know that I’m exactly where I am supposed to be. I can’t remember the last time I felt that. Now it’s just time to take a deep breath because my life is just beginning.

Lessons

I realized that I haven’t written a post in almost two months. I have been so busy in these past months. I am finishing up school and continuing to go deep into therapy.

I have had some bad days but many more good days- too many to count. I lived through Halloween, waking up to see November.

Fall is slowly turning to winter and my alters are growing in curiosity about the world. Learning to love the outdoors, appreciating the simple things in life.

I think that my life is slowly but surely changing. I’m gaining confidence that was lost. I’m trusting myself in knowing my limits of wherever I am on that current day. At times, 24 hours can feel like an agonizing eternity but after, the next day is brand new. Each day is a new chance to think, live and just be free.

I received some pretty awesome job offers recently which was good. It’s just unexplainably overwhelming. It’s only been 5 years since I was hospitalized for a few years. 5 years may seem like a long time, but it’s not- so much learning took place and still will for the next 5. So many great things are happening but I can’t stop feeling like I’m drowning. In real life I’m not a strong swimmer. Maybe it’s a metaphorical sign or maybe I just need some swimming lessons.

5 seconds

This week I had a few moments that I had thoughts that I haven’t had in years. I thought about self-harm more than ever- I have been having so much anxiety.

At times, it feels unbearable, paralyzingly. It feels as though there is no more oxygen to be had, everything is going in slow motion.

I haven’t harmed myself in years, but I have felt more driven to it than ever. I found myself thinking about how I could get my hands on my tools of choice. I keep going through the scenario in my head. I already know what’s it’s going to feel like – it’s a small release and then I feel defeated.

I remember the last time I self harmed. It was almost five years ago. I can’t figure out why I’m willing to give up five years to feel good for about five seconds.