I realized that I haven’t written a post in almost two months. I have been so busy in these past months. I am finishing up school and continuing to go deep into therapy.
I have had some bad days but many more good days- too many to count. I lived through Halloween, waking up to see November.
Fall is slowly turning to winter and my alters are growing in curiosity about the world. Learning to love the outdoors, appreciating the simple things in life.
I think that my life is slowly but surely changing. I’m gaining confidence that was lost. I’m trusting myself in knowing my limits of wherever I am on that current day. At times, 24 hours can feel like an agonizing eternity but after, the next day is brand new. Each day is a new chance to think, live and just be free.
I received some pretty awesome job offers recently which was good. It’s just unexplainably overwhelming. It’s only been 5 years since I was hospitalized for a few years. 5 years may seem like a long time, but it’s not- so much learning took place and still will for the next 5. So many great things are happening but I can’t stop feeling like I’m drowning. In real life I’m not a strong swimmer. Maybe it’s a metaphorical sign or maybe I just need some swimming lessons.
This week I had a few moments that I had thoughts that I haven’t had in years. I thought about self-harm more than ever- I have been having so much anxiety.
At times, it feels unbearable, paralyzingly. It feels as though there is no more oxygen to be had, everything is going in slow motion.
I haven’t harmed myself in years, but I have felt more driven to it than ever. I found myself thinking about how I could get my hands on my tools of choice. I keep going through the scenario in my head. I already know what’s it’s going to feel like – it’s a small release and then I feel defeated.
I remember the last time I self harmed. It was almost five years ago. I can’t figure out why I’m willing to give up five years to feel good for about five seconds.
My attempts to not anticipate the fall is going okay. I’m trying not to think about it but I can feel it. My alters are preparing for October, fear is becoming apparent, body memories are coming to the surface.
I’m trying to be realistic, but being realistic means that I have to accept that I can’t do everything. I don’t like that my past still effects my present. I understand that the month of October has the possibility of not being my greatest month. The paranoia takes over as the leaves change colors. The solstice, the holidays bring the ritualistic memories that I can’t forget- replaying within my head. Over and over again- sleepless nights waiting for people that will never arrive. People who are long and gone but my alters aren’t ready to stop waiting.
I’m being patient with them as well as myself- until we are all one. The painful moments feel long while the blissful childlike beings experience the simple beauty that is life. The grass, the trees, the AppStore of iTunes, the cereal aisle- those are all moments that make the painful moments seem to melt away.
I hope that there is a year that I can go outside on the holiday in October. I don’t crave normalcy- I just crave choice and I’m noticing that fall doesn’t allow me to have as many choices as I would like.
I am such a healthy person. I know what I want- I can push my self mentally and physically to achieve greatness but the real question is can I truly let myself be a realist. Will I allow myself to be in whatever space I am during fall without judging myself for where I should or want to be. That is an answer that I don’t know- and I believe only time will tell.
Time passes so quickly each moment passing in attempt to make every moment count. Life these days is about living in the moment and being present within the space I’m in. It works pretty well for me and my life is pretty good.
Nevertheless, life passes so quickly that I almost forgot that this upcoming month with be 4 years since I started this blog. I have grown a lot since, learned so much about myself and life in general.
I grew within the posts of this blog. I think that the best part of blogging is that I can go back and read where I was on a particular day or month and I can compare it to where I am currently. I do that for the sole purpose of truly seeing (reading) change. More recently I have shared my blog with a few of my very close friends. I think that my past makes me who I am, this is where I express myself both the moments of darkness and light.
1,460 days ago I had no idea that this blog would turn into what it is today. People actually read my writing and sometimes comment. I made numerous friends through this blog and I’m just thankful for it all.
Happy 4th Birthday Blog!
This post gets written every year. As I anxiously await the summer to chance to fall I usually count the days, the breaths I take. I await the majority of the holidays to pass by hoping that the calls to return do not become a reality.
I remember being hospitalized most of September, October and November. I remember the look of the moon on those dark lonely nights, my world became silent, my body motionless and heavy. My muscles remembered the turbulent time, lactic acid builds and my body takes fetal form.
But all those things are just memories, things that my body and I did, due to an expectation. If there is one thing I have learned during this journey it would be that a person can defy expectations. Minds, body’s, and alters can unlearn the expectations. Alters can come to expect M&M’s and skittles instead of torture. It happened slowly and painfully but nonetheless, alters began to anticipate instead of expect. This journey started to become a story about our abusers. Everyday the guilt begins to fade, replacing it with love.
I know that this fall is going to be very different. I noticed that my alters are becoming very curious about why people love the fall. I think that my little people will be spending a lot of their falling sampling pumpkin flavored drinks, climbing colorful tress and maybe even enjoying Halloween. I’m not sure if they will experience a fun Halloween this year but that is my hope.
Time passes and life just goes. Good things are happening. I’m slowly but surely loving the life I’m living right now.
In less than 5 months I will be done with my undergraduate degree. It has taken me almost 8 years to complete. There was a time when I didn’t think I would be this close to completing my degree.
To say that I’m happy would be an understatement. It’s more than a piece of paper to me, it’s a symbol that I’m a functional person. I no longer define myself as a mental patient because school have allowed me to develop a new identity- no pun intended :)
I started being excited to be done about a week ago. I had coffee with someone that I knew from the time I was very sick. She was there in the very start. She was one of the people who had to hold me down to keep me safe from myself but also held my hand while I was getting injections so that I could calm down. I think that it’s been important for me to have healthy people in my life who knew me in the darkest days.
It was a different experience meeting with this person within the space I live in currently. I think that maybe it was something that I needed, in order to finally allow myself to be excited about finishing school soon. I needed to remember the space I was last time I saw this person because I am exponentially better currently.
That difficult time changed me. There were few constants within my life and staying connected with someone from that time allows me to realize the change because they are seeing it. I’m in my body everyday so change is sometimes hard to see. I’m just thankful that this person still exists in my life. I remember when I used to have terrible flashbacks and body memories, this person used to talk to me to help me and I remembered her voice. So hearing her voice again actually brought tears to my eyes.
I work out a lot. I think it’s safe to say that I define myself as an athlete. I push myself. Working out helps me to become mentally strong because the entire thing is a mental game.
Inside my head- I can hear negitive things a voices. Believe it or not, these negitive things are not any of my alters. It’s my insecurities, it’s the voice in my head telling me that “I’m weak”.
I have been spending a lot of time alone lately and working out a lot. One of my favorite instructors said something to me the other day when she saw my body get weak. She told me that “your mind gives out before your muscles do”. I think that is a very true statement and it resonated with me. I get inside my head much of the time.
I lose my way and I feel the heavy load. I feel it when I take deep breaths, it’s somewhat indescribable unless you have experienced it. I’m not saying you need to experience traumatic abuse to understand, anyone who has ever felt like they were not good enough or were made to think they were weak. It’s the voice in the back of your mind, yelling at you saying “your a failure”.
Those words can break you down mentally and make you think that maybe you are weak when your not. The only thing that sometimes helps are positive affirmations. Verbally yelling back at those voices saying “I can”.