Newest Chapter

There are moments that make this journey feel so amazing. Today wasn’t a great day, I had a emotion therapy session. I couldn’t get back at the end of session. I had to stay in my T’s waiting area. I don’t like doing that, it’s frustrating to not be as in control as I would like.

My newest and smallest alter didn’t want to go back because she didn’t want to be all alone on her side of my mind. My alters are almost on this side which is my life outside the cult. There is now one and only one alter on the side that wants to return to the group. This alter connecting even a small amount to the other side is a huge step because she’s the last one. The true last alter fighting against this life.

This alter is tough. She’s resistant and testing every once of patience I have but it’s nice to know that I have a small army on my side waiting patiently for her to decide to cross over. I know this could take some times, how much I’m not sure. But I guess I can finally say I’m in this for the long run. I’m almost to a different understanding of my self and it’s such a huge weight off my shoulders to actually see this new chapter.

Separation anxiety

I realized something the other day when I was going to my best friends beach house for the weekend. There was something internally pushing me to stay home and not go do something I was very much looking forward to. The feelings were strong and I usually give in and recently I have been a flaky friend.

I have a new alter that wants to see my Dad. My Dad was very much absent during my childhood. He was busy working, providing for my family the only way he knew. My father had absolutely no idea of my abuse.

My Dad and I have such a great relationship more recently. We have a hobby that we do together that has brought us so much closer together. My dad and I communicate without speaking most of the time. Our relationship is getting strong and it’s exactly what I need right now.

So it only makes sense that I have some separation anxiety from him. He finally has time for me and I want to spend as much time with him as possible. He’s realizing and understanding the person that I have become. He accepts me for who I am and finally views me as normal.

The first 15 years of my life were lacking him. My abusers created a convoluted reality of him that was very untrue. My Dad has always wanted me.

If she remembers

Last weekend I was in the car with my sister driving to dinner. We were talking about a subject matter that I have a lot of knowledge in, I was explaining my reasonings. But for some reason my sister could not let me be right. I asked her why she is continually arguing with my about a certain subject matter. Her answer struck me and I almost wanted to cry.

Since my sister got married she has been somewhat argumentive. She argues subjects that she doesn’t understand and always gets what gse wants because she simply will not stop talking.

But when I asked her why she continually argues with people. She said that growing up she never realized that she could stand up for herself. Our mother told her that she needed to be nice to everyone and not to argue with people.

This was the first time that my sister gave me some validation of my childhood. We were both taught to listen even when people around us were very wrong.

I hope my sister never remembers any abuse. She has everything going for her right now. She’s married, her own apartment and is doing well. If she remembered I don’t know if all of those things could withstand the journey.

People abandon you on this journey. The grip is so goddamn tight that’s it’s suffocating and you can’t breath even if your wearing an oxygen mask. I haven’t had a successful relationship since I remembered my past. I have a filter that causes me to look at the world and understand that there are some horrible people on this earth.

I watch my fan spin in the shadowy darkness. If there is a higher power, I just hope my sister never remembers.

The future

I am so busy these days, I don’t blog as much as I used to because I’m out there living. My life has never had this much peace in it ever. I spent so much time working on my past that I didn’t think about the future. It’s goddam bright and calm.

I know what to do during the rough moments. I feel strong and energized. I graduated from college a few weeks ago and it was such an amazing moment. I even got emotional, I was present in my body, wearing a cap and gown with honor cords. I felt proud as I walked across that stage. And the first person I saw was my therapist. She was there soaking in that amazing moment, understanding the magnitude of my accomplishment.

I was on a high from that experience for a few weeks. So now I’m still working a job I love. I’m challenged mentally and physically but still able to be my goofy self along with my students.

Life has finally calmed down enough for me to enjoy everything I have worked so hard for. I hope that everyone who is working through their past gets the kind of relief I currently feel. Always keep fighting for the life that you were supposed to live not the one that invaded your existence.

Career Devel

Since I entered the working world, I catch myself not remembering my past. For those 8 hours of the day, I’m focused on the present. I’m not worried that I’m going to get triggered or have a flashback.

I’m confident that I’m a badass in my work and I can throw down at any given moment. I had a experience recently that could have been a triggering experience but I was fine. I got back up, too a break and went on with my day.

I know that my past experiences no matter how horrific, prepared my for my career. Talk about some crazy career development.

I still go to see my T, and we are still doing the same work. But there’s something to be said about the power of sucking it up. I think that’s it’s perfectly okay to suck up my past right now and focus on my career in my present.

The unexplainable life

There have been no post on my blog for sometime. The words don’t come easy these days, instead cathartic feelings are expressed.

I have reached this point in my journey where I have the ability to tolerate feelings. Even when the feelings are large, I know they are temporary and I’m not going to fall apart.

I guess I could say that I have a fear of sadness. In the not so far away past, the days were dark and uncertain. The sounds of my own breathing becomes deafening at times, as the loneliness begins to set in.

I am afraid of integration because of the fear of being alone. Everyone will become one, but one is a lonely number. I think that’s a song or something.

I have no idea where this blog post was going but it seems to have no point at all. Time goes on and stops for no one. I’m so very exhausted but I’m not the least bit tired. The unexplainable life that is my own.

Livin’

My life has transformed in the past three months. I finished college, got a job in my field and I’m doing a ton of adult things. It feels good to be where I am right now.

I know spring is coming. Dates will arrive, but I’m feeling optimistic and hopeful that I’ll be okay. I’m in the real adult world everyday, so there’s no time for internal turbulence.

Something happens when I step into my work place, I feel this incredible amount of strength that I have never felt before. I don’t feel different or weird. My area of work is mentally and physically taxing but it’s my passion. I know how it feels to be different and not understand this world. I’m being pushed to be the best educator I can be working with some of the most challenging students. And, I love every second of it.

I’m surrounded by little geniuses that do not have the ability to speak. The energy and life that I feel each day is incredible. Most of my coworkers are as passionate as I and it’s just amazing. People with differing abilities can teach people so many things, it’s just magnificent.

On the rough days at work it is not a rarity for an impromptu Disney song dance party to break out at moments notice, or free breakfast the following day. In my area of work, the moments are the most important.

It is truly a great time to be alive.