I try not to write about the bad side of my past on this blog. I try to reframe everything, trying to find good in this journey as best I can. I am thankful for the place I am at this very moment.
But I think that there should be a balance. I keep deleting the sentences I’m writing but sometimes things just need to be said, written, and set free.
I’m currently in a sad place. I vomit when I brush my teeth because I can’t have anything in my mouth. I am in what should be the best years of my life and I sit trying to make sense of my past. I lay in the darkness, trying to find a way to let out this extreme feelings I have.
I have an alter emerging that has been dormant for almost 10 years. This alter was present during the first couple hospitalizations but vanished until a few weeks ago. The sadness that I feel from this alter is overwhelming.
I don’t have any other words that I’m ready to say yet. This is where I am – trying to be patient and calm.
The winter solstice came and went this year. I could feel my alters preparing, gearing up, the programming was high. My saliva tasted different and I could feel my skin change.
During high trigger days, everything changes. My view of the world changes, the paranoia takes over and I cut myself off from the world. There have been times that I have felt like I was drowning.
But I have never experienced drowning before. I know how to swim, I can doggie paddle like a champ. My journey has taught me how to swim. Even the most trigger days, I can always manage to stay afloat, I might not be sprinting but I’m still able to breath.
There is a confidence that I have developed within myself. I can trust that I can pull myself together. I have some amazing people both inside and out supporting me. Even though I may not even reach out to them when I’m close to the state of drowning, just knowing that there are people on my side, I am able to push on.
Yesterday, I spent the day doing what I love to do. I was able to help my students. The purpose that I feel is completely overwhelming and I think it’s safe to say that the winter solstice was just another regular day for me.
I have been slacking on blogging. I feel like I start almost every post with the sentence “I haven’t posted in a long time”. I have a pretty demanding job and when I have downtime it usually consists of moments when I don’t engage in thinking.
I started practicing yoga everyday these past few months. I never realized that connecting with my body would be do challenging. I honestly don’t know how typical people can stand being one with their bodies all the time. I find comfort in knowing that I can disconnect myself if need be, I guess that’s the beauty of dissociation.
I’m in a really interesting place in my life. Some days I’m truly terrified because I obsess about mundane things. I’m displacing feelings, but I actually have feelings and emotions that I can connect with.
I am worried that I won’t ever find a relationship. It’s not that I need anyone, I just want a person to spend my life with and to love me as I am right now. I’m living my best life, I’m achieving personally and professionally. I know that I’m really hard on myself but I’m trying to work on that, I just know what I want.
I’m being more truthful than ever. I’m letting feelings and emotions float into the universe. I’m connecting with an alter that has been dormant for almost a decade. That is not something I’m ready to share on this blog yet, but I’m not overwhelmed. I’m in a space of hopefulness and peace which is where I hope to stay.
Fall is fading into winter. I made it through another fall. There were moments this time that made me realize that I have some great people supporting me.
I think that when you have a turbulent past you lose faith in people. It’s easy to forget that there are good people in this world that think, loving and care about me even when I’m unable to do it for myself.
But then the triggering times are over and you can breath again. The paranoia is over, the air seems thinner and you just begin to feel good things again.
During this fall my system shifted. An alter that has been dormant for a long time came out again. It’s a catch 22, this part is very depressed and caused us to harm ourselves resulting in hospitalization. I’m just going slow, trying to work with this alter the best I can.
I go to yoga so I can just breath and help my body relax. I need to collect my thoughts that are scattered. It’s been a long time since I was in this space. But I’m actually okay and in the next step in this healing journey.
I’m trying to compile a list of things that I genuinely enjoy about the fall. Right now the list is pretty short. I’m trying to push past the sounds, numbers and memories.
My inner world goes into survival mode during the fall. The world sounds, looks and feels different. My skin feels unlike my own, I attempt to pull my life together. I try to reach out to my friends but I can only say weird things.
I lay in the grass and look at the sky. I wonder how that another human being decides to torture a person to the point where they splinter. I try to rationalize all my thoughts. I use DBT, radical acceptance, distraction – I use it all. I draw on my skills but I have reached a point of sadness.
I just continually try to forget the date and live my life normally. But I wake up in the middle of the night covered in vomit, waiting for the moment to pass. I breathe in and out, hoping the pain will pass and I can continue my day, just until the next moment hits.
I have so much to say but the words aren’t able to come out. I become overwhelmed by the moon. Alters are going into their places. I’m just waiting, holding my breath.
I’m using every and all skills that I can think of until the date passes. But I’m still afraid of losing more time, I write down my car mileage, I stay awake so there is no chance I can switch in my sleep.
I’m just counting, breathing, pacing, exercising, losing track of hour, days. I miss therapy because I can’t bear to even process the memories surfacing.
I’m running for hours so I can feel my body. The skin I wear feels unlike mine, alters attempt to remove it unsuccessfully.
I sit in my room in the dark just trying to figure out how to get past this part. This is so very different, I give every song on my pandora stations a thumbs down, and now I’m out of skips.
There are oh so many rules in this world. Some are laws that keep the general public safe. There are reasons behind some laws.
But sometimes there is not.
As I continue to work with my last unknown alter, I’m realizing how many rules govern my existence. I create rigidity in my own life because it’s all I have ever know. My abusers set up rules that were ingrained in both myself and my insiders. I become so fixated on rules, at times, I can’t function if something isn’t correct or the way I think it should be done.
But I’m so afraid. I’m afraid of life without rules. I crave rigidity created by my abusers. I wrestle with the idea of recreating abusive patterns in my current life.
My insiders are afraid to sleep. I sleep for three hours most of the time. The newest alter waits for something or someone. The hours just drag, leggo towers are built, my walls somehow become filled with crayon drawing of animals, 6am comes fast and my day just starts.
I get fixated on the amount of hours of sleep. Web-md says I need at least 6, my therapist says she’ll be happy with at least 4. I just can’t stop thinking about all these rules.
My new alter that has just emerged seems to be overwhelmed by both past and present rules.
The past rules are much louder than present. I write lists, set reminders, alarms so that everyone gets equal time. My day is so very scheduled by rules, I need routine. I crave structure, downtime is nerve racking. This new alter self-harms and I think I’m losing time. I don’t remember using all the skips on my pandora station, I have a very good memory.