There have been moments these past few days that I’m just overwhelmed. I find myself feeling intense feelings in waves. I know I have been here before, felt everything before. I think that I should be feeling bored. I already know what is going to happen- in a few weeks I will feel better. All my little people will go back to their funny selves. C will go back to telling knock knock jokes and B will go back to her monkey- like self climbing the tallest trees.
But right now it’s spring. Spring is symbolic in my system. A lot of hurt happen in the spring for us and we are all still learning. I always change the most during this time and I am reminded of my strength, especially when I spend my nights having flashbacks and I have class the next day.
I am trying not to get discouraged. I’m trying to just trust myself and my T. I can feel the programming beginning to start and my little alters forgetting that we do not need to return to the cult. It’s a very scary thought that I could actually end up at going back to the group. I know that my little buddies would miss the world that we have built together, which is why I am not going to allow that to happen.
I get pretty paranoid during these times. It happens to me yesterday and for some reason I woke up in a very interesting place and I felt disoriented most of the day.
I guess I will just have to take every moment as it comes to me. I need to be patient and kind to myself and my little buddies during the next few weeks.