There have been moments these past few days that I’m just overwhelmed. I find myself feeling intense feelings in waves. I know I have been here before, felt everything before. I think that I should be feeling bored. I already know what is going to happen- in a few weeks I will feel better. All my little people will go back to their funny selves. C will go back to telling knock knock jokes and B will go back to her monkey- like self climbing the tallest trees.
But right now it’s spring. Spring is symbolic in my system. A lot of hurt happen in the spring for us and we are all still learning. I always change the most during this time and I am reminded of my strength, especially when I spend my nights having flashbacks and I have class the next day.
I am trying not to get discouraged. I’m trying to just trust myself and my T. I can feel the programming beginning to start and my little alters forgetting that we do not need to return to the cult. It’s a very scary thought that I could actually end up at going back to the group. I know that my little buddies would miss the world that we have built together, which is why I am not going to allow that to happen.
I get pretty paranoid during these times. It happens to me yesterday and for some reason I woke up in a very interesting place and I felt disoriented most of the day.
I guess I will just have to take every moment as it comes to me. I need to be patient and kind to myself and my little buddies during the next few weeks.
Happy spring?
Just read your post. Keep believing. You are worth getting through this and I believe you will create new patterns in life. Peace and blessings to you.
The changes of the seasons are very hard for us, due to being ritual abuse survivor. Sorry yous are dealing with it as well. Good and healing thoughts to yous.
Kate
Yes, maybe that’s why it’s been hard for me. It’s been a horrible week. But we’re believing this this next week is going to be better for us all.
I’m on a healing path too. It’s been a long time but we found someone we hope is safe.