Most of the time, I have my life together. I live the life of an organized neat freak and I love it. I love my life and all the randomness that encompasses.
Today wasn’t one of those days, it was one of “those” days. I didn’t get triggered or get any new memories I just felt overwhelmed by the progress that I have made in the past few months. I am proud of myself but with progress comes a heaviness that my abuse carries. It’s not debilitating and I know tomorrow I will feel better.
I’m trying to rationalize my memories and think of myself as another however old child because I need to understand my childlike powerlessness. The fight was unfair because my opponent was a well seasoned programmer- so I didn’t stand a chance. Yeah, that sounds about right- if I could have done something I would have. For sure I would have- that I know, my alters are fierce and would have defended me if they could have.
I have been going so fast through my memories that sometimes I forget to connect them to myself because I know that is when healing takes place. I called my T today and she told me what I needed to hear “even T-Rex’s have rough days”.
The Hope for Trauma 
Oh yes connecting the trauma to yourself is the hardest thing. I struggle with that too. I’m hoping in a safe environment like therapy I will be able to let it sink in that I was genuinely in danger as a child and am lucky to “survive”. For now it’s just someone else’s stories x
” I needed to hear “even T-Rex’s have rough day” – This was my favorite quote of the day yesterday :)
Always our best,
Anns
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