At this moment in time, I am doing many things to distract myself. I am taking 16 credits this semester at school, I am going to therapy three to four times a week, and I am working part-time. Recently I stopped to think about all I am doing. I realized that I might be distracting myself too much.
I have just recently returned to school, I did not transition into school, as I should have. Instead, I took as many classes as my parents would pay for. In therapy right now, I am doing abreaction work because I do not want to have flashbacks at school. However, I think that my therapist and I may be digging, but right now, I am functional. At work I really cannot stand being around people that I do not know, so I work one day a week in the office by myself.
As I ask myself, where do I draw the line between distraction and avoidance I remember back before I remembered and I lived the same lifestyle, all or nothing. Right now, I am living with my parents and my siblings, which is difficult because they are tied to my abuse. It is hard for me to show myself as imperfect in front of them, so I choose not to. They see an alter who is perfect in their eyes; she is just like my older sister (which they love).
While doing all this there is very little time for being social. Back in May, we started having a hard time, and we decided to cut all contact off with friends and family. Our friends tried to contact us but we refused to answer. In the past few weeks, we started having limited communication with them.
This weekend was Halloween, and it is hard for us and our therapist was on vacation for two weeks prior and during Halloween. Therefore, that added another obstacle on to it. We had no therapist, no friends, and no family communication. Add in the equation, little or no sleep, 5 college classes, midterms and family issues. We felt that we did not have any way to seek support if needed.
Throughout our hibernation period from social contact, we deeply missed our friends, because for the most part they understand us better than anyone does. We decided to swallow our pride and apologize to them. It has been different with our friends because we lost five months with them, they have needed us and we were not there for them. We feel bad for not being there for them, but we cannot change the past. The only thing we can do is try to be a good friend right now in the present.
We spent the weekend with our best friend; it was good catching up. Watching intervention episodes, and just being ourselves. We have so much in common with this one friend, she understands DID because she is a survivor too. We have both had hard times recently and I wish I had not cut her off because I could have helped her. However, we realized that we could support her now and that is what we intend on doing.
The best part of my weekend was getting my new pets. My fish are pretty they are three boys. The boy’s names are Sigmund, Ivan and David. After psychologists of course! My friend has yet to name hers, but I am anxiously awaiting their names. Nevertheless, they arrived home safe and are now swimming freely.
As I start the week tomorrow and go back to therapy this week, I am trying to figure out my next move. Thinking about school, work and therapy. Am I in over my head? That I do not know. I think as long as I have people (friends) in my life that will support me no matter what I should be okay. I hope
The Hope for Trauma 