This week I had a few moments that I had thoughts that I haven’t had in years. I thought about self-harm more than ever- I have been having so much anxiety.
At times, it feels unbearable, paralyzingly. It feels as though there is no more oxygen to be had, everything is going in slow motion.
I haven’t harmed myself in years, but I have felt more driven to it than ever. I found myself thinking about how I could get my hands on my tools of choice. I keep going through the scenario in my head. I already know what’s it’s going to feel like – it’s a small release and then I feel defeated.
I remember the last time I self harmed. It was almost five years ago. I can’t figure out why I’m willing to give up five years to feel good for about five seconds.