My attempts to not anticipate the fall is going okay. I’m trying not to think about it but I can feel it. My alters are preparing for October, fear is becoming apparent, body memories are coming to the surface.

I’m trying to be realistic, but being realistic means that I have to accept that I can’t do everything. I don’t like that my past still effects my present. I understand that the month of October has the possibility of not being my greatest month. The paranoia takes over as the leaves change colors. The solstice, the holidays bring the ritualistic memories that I can’t forget- replaying within my head. Over and over again- sleepless nights waiting for people that will never arrive. People who are long and gone but my alters aren’t ready to stop waiting.

I’m being patient with them as well as myself- until we are all one. The painful moments feel long while the blissful childlike beings experience the simple beauty that is life. The grass, the trees, the AppStore of iTunes, the cereal aisle- those are all moments that make the painful moments seem to melt away.

I hope that there is a year that I can go outside on the holiday in October. I don’t crave normalcy- I just crave choice and I’m noticing that fall doesn’t allow me to have as many choices as I would like.

I am such a healthy person. I know what I want- I can push my self mentally and physically to achieve greatness but the real question is can I truly let myself be a realist. Will I allow myself to be in whatever space I am during fall without judging myself for where I should or want to be. That is an answer that I don’t know- and I believe only time will tell.


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