This post gets written every year. As I anxiously await the summer to chance to fall I usually count the days, the breaths I take. I await the majority of the holidays to pass by hoping that the calls to return do not become a reality.
I remember being hospitalized most of September, October and November. I remember the look of the moon on those dark lonely nights, my world became silent, my body motionless and heavy. My muscles remembered the turbulent time, lactic acid builds and my body takes fetal form.
But all those things are just memories, things that my body and I did, due to an expectation. If there is one thing I have learned during this journey it would be that a person can defy expectations. Minds, body’s, and alters can unlearn the expectations. Alters can come to expect M&M’s and skittles instead of torture. It happened slowly and painfully but nonetheless, alters began to anticipate instead of expect. This journey started to become a story about our abusers. Everyday the guilt begins to fade, replacing it with love.
I know that this fall is going to be very different. I noticed that my alters are becoming very curious about why people love the fall. I think that my little people will be spending a lot of their falling sampling pumpkin flavored drinks, climbing colorful tress and maybe even enjoying Halloween. I’m not sure if they will experience a fun Halloween this year but that is my hope.