I don’t know if I can find a word to describe that heavy feeling of the seriousness of the content of the memories. It’s similar to attempting to lift two times your own body weight. I heard people say it feels like a “ton of bricks” but I don’t think that a ton of bricks is heavy enough.
Some times I think about the actual meaning of my memories and truly what they mean that I become paralyzed by the real raw truth. For so long I was so removed from my memories because I was too afraid to own them as my own.
I have these very intense therapy session where I reenact the memories that I kept inside. After I process the catharsis release of the emotional build up, I do the best I can to pull it together. I comb my hair to look manageable, I wipe the tears from my eyes and I say a positive affirmation to ground myself in the present. I walk outside into a world that has no idea what truly exists.
I don’t think all the strength in the world could lessen the pain of the reality.