Something happens to me when I hold babies. I feel a maternal pull from somewhere or someone. There’s an emptiness that makes my heart hurt. I haven’t been able to put words to that feeling until very recently.
I used to have a fear of young children, especially females. I always assumed it was because one of my alters wished to harm them but it’s quite the opposite. The fear was rooted in protection.
Right now protection seems to be a theme in my life. I feel like I always say this but I’m working with a new alter. This alter like all the others is very afraid to accept a new job. Something feels so very different with this one.
When I hear her experience her memories in therapy, it just makes my heart ache and I just want to protect her. When I come close to her she cries because she doesn’t me not to leave her. When I hear those words tears just fall from my eyes.
My little tiny self, was just utterly powerless.
That 8 word sentence has been on the tip on my tongue for so long- too long. I often look at my life and it hits me that I was once a prisoner mentally and physically. I think that this alter came very close to death many times due to the torturous choices of my abusers. It’s not that this alters memories are more or less intense- I think it’s the sound of her fear when she cries that explains it all. The sounds connect it all.
And the journey continues…