The first part of my life was very much a blur. I never learned how to tie my shoes or do long division. I learned different skills, I thought that I could fly for the longest time. I would feel as though I was floating in the air for long periods of times which seemed like years.
I really never had the ability to fly. I wasn’t not part airplane or bird, I was actually being dehumanized. I was being broken down, resocialized to live in a world that is hidden from the rest of the world. I was being groomed to harm others and to like it.
I have a lot of feelings about my past now. I was numb for quite a while but I think that I’ve reached a point where I am just angry. My anger causes me to feel intense sadness that so many things were taken away from me.
I recently got medical validation for something from my past. I am thankful for the concrete validation but I’m just so sad about what it means for the future me. There is permanent damage done to my body that is irreversible. I have been thinking about that sentence for weeks now. I’m connecting with what it means now, I’m feeling emotions that I didn’t think I had.
I never truly connected with my past in such a way as I am now. It is just reality now. All I can do is just do my best to live with the validation that I have received. Many survivors never get the medical validation that I have received. It all makes perfect sense. All the pieces of the puzzle fit to reveal feelings of sadness that I refused to be connected to but alas- they are here.