I think that there is some amount of sadness that comes with every new alter. I think that each little person represents an event that shattered my mind. Each little person emerges with the same fear as the others.
I had a very interesting session with my T recently. Many connections were made, these connection are overwhelming. But there is nothing I can do but breath and trust the process. The feelings come in waves and sometimes I just need to cry it out.
I don’t think there is anything that I can’t handle. One of my friends who is also a super cool multiple, thinks that multiples are super humans. I agree with her- but I think even super humans loose their way from time to time. This journey is long and sometimes rough and painful. Bad days are few and far in between but they still occur.
I collect voicemails from my therapist because hearing her voice is somewhat reassuring to my little people and I. I am soothed by simplistic things these days- people’s voicemails, my fish swimming, a simple hug or just being physically close to another person.
Most of the time the person has no idea I’m filling my physical contact quota. Sometimes all it takes is to get direct eye contact from another person. There’s something about eye contact that helps me. I used to be extremely fearful of direct eye contact but now I am starting to try to do it everyday.
I once heard that eyes are the window to the soul. I think the reason I disliked eye contact was maybe because when I looked into my abusers eyes I got a glimpse of their soul.
I have been having vivid flash backs of sibling abuse. I think that sibling abuse memories are by far the most painful and conflicting. One of my little people call out my sisters name and it’s just heart wrenching. My sister used to talk about a sound when I used to cry- an indescribable sound. But the sound is something her mind is blocked out. I’m not at the point yet where I can write the next sentence.
All I can do is breath and trust the process.