Frustrated Fade

I think that every situation has pros and cons. Lately I haven’t been feeling so thankful for my life or being multiple, I have been quite miserable. Frustration got the best of me a while back and I didn’t feel like myself. I think it may be because my tanning package ran out. I wish that a new tanning package could fix the way I feel.

But I’m feeling pretty down because I’m working through my terrible traumatic past that my mind pushed down for so long. I often relate repressed memories to vomiting. Really random analogy but it feels terrible to vomit. Depending on your reason for up chucking your guts, your insides prolly hurt and all you want is to be done and to feel better. But even after you vomit you still might not feel great. Many variables depend on when you will feel better.

Repressed memories are just that for me- prolonged extensive vomiting of my past. And sometimes during my memories I do vomit. Can you feel the frustration in that sentence? I can and I kind of want to delete it because its gross. But my past is disgusting and I want nothing else but to be done remembering it.

I know my past makes me who I am but I wish it didn’t. There are really no choices in accepting all of this- either I accept it or I fight against. I chose to accept it only after I fought against it for too long. I am not a wimp or a wuss but I’m just frustrated that no one protected me as a child. I don’t understand why drugs were more important to my mother than me. I understand addiction- I watch a lot of intervention. But I’m just angry and frustrated that I am spending my 20’s dealing with my childhood.

I think I’ll renew that tanning package tomorrow…


One thought on “Frustrated Fade

  1. I know how frustrating it is. I spent my 20s raising my kids and having flashbacks that I didn’t understand, panicking over things that made no sense. Now I’m spending the beginning of my 40s sifting through those memories with the strength of my Little Ones to help me make sense of them all. Three days before you wrote this post, I wrote one on my own blog that started, “Black days, full of bitter eyes…” and someone else’s blog I read had written a poem about their own difficult darkness, the day before your post. Musta been somethin in the air!

    Just wanted to let you know I feel for ya, and am rootin for ya!
    Drop by for a visit any time…
    — SynthGirl

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