I am not sure how to put what I want to say into words. Writing down things makes them more real. But life is real.
Realizing that a person close to me was also abused is just that – real. It is only real for me in my memory right now but as far as I know she hasn’t remembered yet or may never. I actually hope she never remembers.
I watched my sister sleep last night. I couldn’t go to sleep because all I could think about when I looked at her were my recent memories.
It’s not my place to “help” her remember which I know- but there is this sadness that I secretly and silently feel for her.
I wish I could tell her that I am so sorry that I didn’t protect her better. And that I’m sorry that she was ever hurt and it was either abuse or death. I wish I could tell her that my biggest fear became a reality when I became flooded with memories that involved her.
If she does ever remember I will tell her all of those things. I will also tell her that everything will connect together in an eerie way. But no one can go back. The only was is forward, upward. In order to get there you must navigate through the pain and fear but there is one good thing that I will be there to validate her memories if she does remember…