There are moments when I do feel discouraged. This journey is so incredibly painful at times and I can’t do anything but accept it. I think acceptance is different than just settling with my feelings. I don’t ever settle in anything I do.
But today, tonight, it just got to a point where I felt so much emotional pain for the heaviness that this journey brings at times. I just let it out. I let my guard down because there was nothing else I could do. I’m strong and I know this but sometimes, being strong means knowing when to be okay letting yourself express intense emotion.
Verbalizing my past seems to effect me so much because I can feel myself owning my words. Truly accepting and allowing myself to just be in whatever space I am at that current time. Accepting my past is allowing me to change and heal. I can feel it even though it doesn’t feel so good.
I feel emotion that is so real and a representation of truth. My truth, my horror, my silly sweet alters but this journey is also the story of my ability to survive and thrive. I guess it can be called resilience and the will to continue without knowledge of an end point. But actually journeys aren’t supposed to really ever end- they are continuous.
I find myself filled with frustration sometimes. Each moment is small piece of my journey, and each piece allows me to experience my life outside of the cult.
As my T and I talk about some of my deepest memories and alters, I just laugh out of pure anxiety of knowing that yes, I was once in a cult and I survived. I don’t believe that there will be anything in my life that I won’t be able to get through because of this journey.