Out of October

I made I through October- so happy to write those words. Well, I actually didn’t even realize october was over until my friend texted me to congratulate me for making it through :) The last week of October was chaotic and Halloween seemed to be forgotten which was really nice.

Today wasn’t the greatest day for me because I am working with hopefully the last programmed alters- and yes I did pluralize that word purposely. These last two alters are a dynamic duo that are testing everything. Today I was just frustrated because there is some suicidal programming that they are acting out. I am safe and will continue to be safe but today I got afraid because this is serious.

More recently I have been connecting with my past on a very different level. I find myself being sad, overwhelmed and angry all at the same time. Which is something new for me – in my DID world I am always just feeling one emotion per alter. But my recent feelings have been more than one feeling per alter. I told my therapist about this and she told me that means that I’m a normal human being – interesting right?

In the past year, I have done some really deep work. I find myself want to push farther and work harder because I am just so solid in trusting this process. Trauma work is uncomfortable but as I am seeing as my story progresses, everything- every memory intricately fits together. In the beginning, the completeness of my memories made me scared but now it offers me some relief.

I used to have a lot of irrational thoughts. The most difficult was that I wasn’t a lovable person. And still now I struggle with being secure in relationships because I have this fear that I’m not good enough. But I know that it is just an irrational fear that I recognize now.

If you have noticed yet, I have Mommy issues. I have child-like physical needs and I want nothing more than to cuddle and be physically close to people who make me feel safe. I am also a tactile junkie and I still sleep with a baby blanket in my mid 20s. Nevertheless, I made I though October.


2 thoughts on “Out of October

  1. Glad October is over for you all. You are further along the trauma work line than me and it is really helpful to read that you are sounding very stable and positive about it. :) xx

  2. I still sleep with a baby blanket and I am 40 something. Mine is definitely psychological/trauma related and also tactile. It provides a lot of comfort and safety at night when things are often the worst. It also hides me when I need to hide. Thanks for sharing.


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