I made I through October- so happy to write those words. Well, I actually didn’t even realize october was over until my friend texted me to congratulate me for making it through :) The last week of October was chaotic and Halloween seemed to be forgotten which was really nice.
Today wasn’t the greatest day for me because I am working with hopefully the last programmed alters- and yes I did pluralize that word purposely. These last two alters are a dynamic duo that are testing everything. Today I was just frustrated because there is some suicidal programming that they are acting out. I am safe and will continue to be safe but today I got afraid because this is serious.
More recently I have been connecting with my past on a very different level. I find myself being sad, overwhelmed and angry all at the same time. Which is something new for me – in my DID world I am always just feeling one emotion per alter. But my recent feelings have been more than one feeling per alter. I told my therapist about this and she told me that means that I’m a normal human being – interesting right?
In the past year, I have done some really deep work. I find myself want to push farther and work harder because I am just so solid in trusting this process. Trauma work is uncomfortable but as I am seeing as my story progresses, everything- every memory intricately fits together. In the beginning, the completeness of my memories made me scared but now it offers me some relief.
I used to have a lot of irrational thoughts. The most difficult was that I wasn’t a lovable person. And still now I struggle with being secure in relationships because I have this fear that I’m not good enough. But I know that it is just an irrational fear that I recognize now.
If you have noticed yet, I have Mommy issues. I have child-like physical needs and I want nothing more than to cuddle and be physically close to people who make me feel safe. I am also a tactile junkie and I still sleep with a baby blanket in my mid 20s. Nevertheless, I made I though October.