Lovin’

I am really curious on the topics of Moms. When I took an adolescent development course last spring I was so interested the mother child relationship. I don’t wish that I had a better Mom anymore because I know that is not possible.

In the past year, I have come to a place of peace with my momma drama. Since moving out of my parents house I have gained so much clarity about relationships with my parents. My Mom is going to always be the person who gave my life but she is never going to give me unconditional positive regard because its not her fault.

My mother was raised by my abusers and she never had the chance to live. Her brain was filled with convoluted, tainted, programmed messages- some of the same issues that I struggle with, these issues are ingrained into my mothers psyche. And I do feel bad for her to a point.

I am at a point in my life now where I look at my mom as a friend instead of my mother. It does make me sad because I do want her to love me but she is sick.

But I realized something amazing recently- I have an entire family inside of my mind. I am so lucky to be where I am in my life today. As I continue to work with the two (hopefully) last most programmed alters I am reminded that every part in this journey is difficult but not impossible.

In the days when I’m not feeling so thankful for my alters, something always drives me to push onward. It’s the pure fact that of knowing that living well and letting the hate go will truly allow me to be a peace.

I don’t think I will ever be able to ever be able to turn off my want for maternal love but I am finding that self love is exponentially greater.

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