I am preparing myself for Halloween this year. I am attempting to be like millions of other people in the world who celebrate on a day that has been traumatic in the past.
I go to the Halloween section of the stores. I just walk down the aisle and take deep breathes. My body tells me to dissociate because it associates costumes with abuse. I thought I wanted to celebrate Halloween this year but I am not sure if its going to happen.
It’s not that I’m not tough enough because I know I can do it. I just don’t know if it is the best idea.
Halloween is a day of celebration for most people. It’s a day of candy, playing dress up, and adrenaline rushes from fear. I am all for all of those things but Halloween doesn’t mean celebration for me. I’m trying to change my thinking but I’m realizing that I can’t control my fear even if I work really hard.
I think I need to listen to my body even though I want to just be a normal boring person who celebrates Halloween. I think I can say that Halloween wasn’t just one day in my past, it was everyday. It wasn’t a celebratory time it was a horrific experience that is closely associated with Halloween.
When I had to put on my “costume” I didn’t get to go door to door and get candy. Halloween is triggering for me because it is my past. Spooky things, robes, skulls, blood that wasn’t fake, so I don’t know if I will ever be able to celebrate the holiday as something good. But there is one good thing about Halloween in the present- it’s only going to last for 24 hours.