The only words that have come to my mind is…this wasn’t in my plan. The last alter that emerged, I thought was the last and the deepest. I was just so sure and so positive- something just felt different and no one else was emerging.
Well that is until today… I guess disappointment could be a word that I could use to describe the events that occurred today. When I realized that there was someone else I just could hold it together and I cried like a scared child.
I allowed myself to be in that space for only 15 minutes because it just felt too big to spend more time than that. I saw my T today and she reassured me that we are going to work and figure this all out. There are only a few people in my life that I actually allow myself to take in and internalize their words and my T is one of them. I am going to trust her words because there are no other options and I don’t foresee her leaving me anytime soon.
But last week I found myself unable to sleep which I attributed to my transition back to school. Now that I think about it, a new alters emerging can make my other alters anxious enough to no allow my body to sleep.
I often wonder if my abusers knew the power that they have over my life even 10 plus years after it has ended. I wasn’t meant to spend my 20s doing this and I know that life isn’t fair and I just need to make the best of this situation because my options are limited. I am just glad that I have a lighter semester this fall so that I can focus on both school and therapy.
I know that a new alter isn’t the end of the world but I was so pumped to be done with the early stages of working with new insiders. The beginning process seems to be the most difficult because I am trying in acclimate a new alter who is used to living in a cult into my boring yet cool life. And so the journey continues…