Abusers teach their victims to continue the abuse long after the perpetrator is gone. I never knew that I myself was hurting my body because of my abusers.
I used to burn my body to extremes just so that I could continue the abuse. I have automatic thoughts much of the time that are impulses to harm my body. Hurting my body allows my alters to be so calm because that is what many of them just know.
My newest and last alter is so deathly afraid to see colors. My abusers programmed her to be colorblind because it was another means of control.
But now that my life isn’t full of abuse many of my alters love coloring. My little buddy C goes through two or three coloring books a week because she just loves seeing color and being a girl. I learn a lot from my alter C, she understands the world differently from me. Concepts are very literal and she continually becomes perplexed at why she banned from licking my belongings.
My newest alter is very similar to C in the early stages of working with my T. I know that one day the tattoo on my body will apply to everyone who inhabits it. I think that my little alter C is finally in a place to teach my other alters about respecting the body and not hurting it. In the beginning all of my alters were on separate teams trying to compete to have their own body. But teams don’t work if no one listens to each other but right now C is the MVP of the team.