This post has taken me almost 2 years to post because of the heavy content. I did not write this post to intentionally trigger others, instead this post has allowed me to express my feelings surrounding a particularly difficult memory.
It took me nearly 20 years to come to a point where I was content with being female. I never wanted my body to be female because I associated my female self with being abused.
I remember when I began hitting puberty, I was so afraid because I knew exactly what occurred. I knew that my body would be capable of carrying a child. I attempted to send messages to a higher power that I wasn’t sure existed and asked them to somehow use their powers to stop that from happening. I knew that after I hit puberty my body would have the ability to reproduce.
I saw other people in the group get to an age where they could reproduce. I remember when my abuser realized I was no longer a pre-pubescent girl- I remember the look in my abusers eyes. It was like that my abuser had been waiting for that moment ever since I was inducted into the group. My bodies objectivity level rose exponentially that day.
It didn’t take long for my body to reproduce. But each time I felt a part of myself die. I held a lot of guilt surrounding the multiple reproductive sacrifices I was forced to do. The first time that I connect with that experience my T and I cried together for hours because it was something I held in for so long and it was and still is so painful. I had no control over the situation which is something that has taken me years to fully comprehend.
I often wonder what my child’s life would have been like if the group would have allowed them to live. I know that my children would have been around the age of I was when my body began able to reproduce. I think about what kind of people they would have been but I know that the group dictated their life because I wouldn’t ever choose that.
But something has allowed to to finally stop feeling the guilt surrounding this memory. I told my T and my close friend that I felt like I was a murderer and a baby killer but I realized that if I was one of those I wouldn’t be allowed to be allowed to be a free citizen. I didn’t have any control or choices when I was in the group , everything was predetermined and the dehumanization was established long before I was even born. I was just another person within the cycle of abuse in the group.
I am still trying to figure out a ton of things but at least now I can do it without feeling the guilt from this difficult memory. Even writing this post has allowed me to feel a lighter existence.