It feels so great to just be doing well right now. I just finished my summer classes last week. I did well in both of my classes so I feel quite accomplished.
I am not sure if I shared this on my blog but my first semester at my new university I took a psych class. For the first time ever, I got triggered during this class. The teacher shared graphic case studies of trauma patients. The professor wanted the class to basically take a thematic apperception test. Which is basically when you write stories about pictures and then another person finds your “golden thread”, the problem was that I already knew the golden thread of my life.
I know that I live my life through a filter of abuse- but I’m working on that. So I talked to the professor and told him that I couldn’t do the assignment. But as the class progressed I found myself unable to stay present so eventually I stopped attending the class. This resulted in effecting my grade and I ended up not passing the class because I did not do the only paper which was the golden thread project.
This was the first time that my trauma history effected my academic life. I was completely devastated and I felt like such a total failure. But in real life, one bad grade doesn’t mean anything. The circumstances were all wrong- the class was too early in the morning, the teacher wasn’t understanding and it was a very transitional time in my life.
So I was able to retake the psych class during summer session with a different professor. It was really one of the best classes I had ever taken and I learned a ton about life and people themselves. I learned a valuable lesson as a result- there’s no need to rush, if something doesn’t feel right I need to step back and reevaluate the situation.
I doubted myself as a student and a person after I failed that class which was totally illogical. I think failing allows people to grow and understand themselves a little more. I learned through that class that I needed to do more work therapeutically. Sometimes I hold back- because I know that it is going to be painful but the truth is tons of things in life are terrible. Once I stopped holding back I was able to stop being triggered.
When I saw my final grade in the psych class that I retook I felt beyond accomplished. It was one of the best feelings I have felt in a while. Like I said before it feels good to just being doing well.
I’m still working intensely with my T. I finally got to the last alter which didn’t turn out to be P which I will blog about when I get back from vacation. I think that my T said it best- its going to be a hot and heavy summer.