I know that ever experience changes me. Every day I learn a little bit more about me and I learn from other peoples interactions with each other and me.
I have a fixation with physical contact, I watch other people interact and I try to understand what drives that specific form of contact. I find myself questioning why I do not participate in certain forms of physical contact.
I was recently in a relationship and I found it so difficult to be physically affectionate with this person. Sometimes, touch is confusing which, is the main reason that I am particular about the people who I choose to be physically close. I am not talking about sexual contact, just everyday contact.
Physical touch does things internally to the human body to reduce anxiety and lowers blood pressure. There are so many benefits but, for me I know that physical contact at times, can cause the inverse reaction. I can be triggered by physical touch, even if people are not intending to do harm to my body.
My body sends my brain signals to dissociate and get away, even though that I have a physical need to connect with others. I work with my T a lot on the subject of physical touch , because its something that is really important to me.
Whenever, I am physically close with a person, I try to be mindful of what it actually feels like. The feeling of someone else’s skin, each person’s unique scent- some people may think this is creepy but I am very connected to my senses and that it is nearly impossible for me to ignore these important details.
Physical contact has been one of the most difficult things for me to work on, in terms of my family because it is so ingrained in our culture. However, even in American culture, has a lot of touch but much of the time; the physical contact has no real meaning behind it.
I know that there were times during my abuse, that my body told my brain that the abusive physical contact felt good. Therefore, now that, that part of my life is over , my body is still confused about physical touch. I do not want physical touch to be something confusing because I know how healing a hug can be. Nevertheless, at the same time I have all these needs that are on an infant-like level. Needs like being held and rocked for no reason.
I think that my infant-like needs are one of the reasons why I like boats so much. I like that constant motion of the ocean; it is so calming to me and I am able to take in the sensual experience without being triggered.