I’m supposed to be here

Today I realized that I haven’t had a period of time longer than a week or so that I haven’t had a hard time. I think it’s been since March actually. Yeah, because March is one of my most triggered times. Oh and then there was this new alter part who is now known as P, and then my abuser finally died which was all kinds of confusing for my alters and I but I’m happy to say I think the majority of that is processed.

My poor T- she talked or saw me everyday last week. I think I’m finally okay with the fact that yes, I have needs. The past few months haven’t been easy but I think I’m finally in a place where I can just chill out mentally. I anticipate life some much that when things don’t work out according to my plan I have no idea what to do. I forget that even though, I am a poly-fragmented multiple I am a human being.

I recently got rid of someone in my life who had a lot of emotional baggage. It was just suffocating. I am a emotional person too, because I’m human but I’m a pretty simplistic being. Even my alters are easy going most of the time. Well, except when my little buddy C is demanding for lucky charms, essentially the dude is just doing his new job of eating cereal.

But I found that after(not right after) my abuser died, I was calmer and so were my alters. I thought that I wanted to be more “normal” but I am realizing that it’s okay to just be me , because right now it’s working for me. I don’t think that anyone should ever lose their inner child – I think that everything happens for a reason. I def know that my abusive past has set me back and caused me a great deal of pain, but I get to learn something new about my self or myselves everyday.

My alter B is teaching my little buddy C to read and it’s def the sweetest thing ever. I never thought I would ever get to a place where I would be able to feel love for my alters , but I do- Even the ones who are destructive. When I dislike my alters I am doing exactly what my abusers intended for me to do- stay trapped.

I was never meant to get this far or be able to think this freely. I wasn’t ever meant to survive but I escaped death so many times. Once I accepted my alters, I was able to stop trying to end it all. I felt so guilty for so long first for surviving and then for thriving. I think I’m finally ready to just let that go because obviously I am supposed to be here.

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