I finally understand why people call this journey “a process”. I had this aha moment when I was reading my personality psych textbook, as I was trying to memorize Gordon Allport’s definition of personality. He defines a process as something that is constant and ongoing, it is both internal and external nonetheless, and change needs to occur in order for this process to continue progressing.
The definition resonated with me.
Last week my abuser passed away and I was in a very confusing internal space. I felt backed into a corner because I was not mentally ready to attend my abuser’s funeral but I remembered that feeling. It was the same feeling that my young alters have when they are remembering the abuse. I now understand why that my young alters make that sound when they cry -it is a sound of being alone and afraid because there is no way out.
Initially, I wanted to go to an inpatient facility because I just wanted to numb my feeling and to escape, being inpatient to me feels like one of the safest places other than being with my T. But I realized, that I want the same thing that my young alters want when they are remembering the abuse. I wanted everything to stop and to be safe.
I used to think that I was different from my alters but essentially we all want the same thing. The external event of my abuser passing away lead to an internal link. Today as I was orienting myself back to the present in my therapists’ office, I started to cry out of pure relief because my abuser and I are no longer living on the same earth together. I made it out, I lived and now my alters and I can exist without fear.
Who knew that my overly priced personality text-book would lead me to this :)