I realized that I have negative thought patterns. I actually realized this when I was running the other day. It was my favorite weather outside- pouring rain and I decided to take note of my thoughts during my 90 minutes of running. I tell myself things that are in no way my own thoughts.
Most of the thought patterns I have are rooted back to my childhood. After I came back home I noticed myself doing it again but this time it was because my sister wasn’t texting me back. I have this automatic thought of – she doesn’t ever want to talk to you anymore. I do this with my friends as well. All of them actually like me and I know if they had a problem with me they would tell me.
Today when I was working with my alter and my T. My new alter said many of my negative thought patterns in the form of sentences. In that moment it all clicked and everything made sense. It was an aha moment and I could feel a light bulb turn on in my head.
My new alter (which I am going to refer to as P from now on because writing new alter takes too long.) is the holder of my healing. She’s the deepest because shes all of my insecurities that I have lived with for so long. I was thinking that it is very possible for entire style of clothing to change once I work with P for a few years. It is fascinating the interconnectedness of my alters with my thoughts and fears. Since I started accepted my alters and working with them I have gone through such a personal transformation. Even though this isn’t the ideal situation it’s truly a gift that I am getting this opportunity to truly heal with the support of my friends, supportive family members and my really amazing T. I know that not everyone in my situation is able to make it out alive or even to get to the level of functioning that I am doing even on the not so great days. So I need to take advantage of everything right now and from now on because I can’t change my past but I can create my own healthy future.