I am in this interesting place right now on this journey. If I had to give a name to this chapter in my life I would call it an adjustment season. I am adjusting in many different areas of my life. I am having a difficult time being thankful for this place I am in right now.
But the other night when I couldn’t sleep I read my entire blog and I noticed a pattern that I have missed. I am not sure how this may have occurred because I am a super observant person which at times may get a little creepy but in comes in handy most of the time.
So back to this pattern- whenever I experience a particularly difficult few weeks I get really down on my self. I think that my feelings come from being discouraged because I know what feeling good and happy feels like now. After I have my couple weeks of discouragement I get into this place where I am sort of standing still- I attribute this to the fear or moving forward because getting better doesn’t always mean feeling better. Feeling in general is difficult but needed in order to be a human being. After the fear subsides I get into this mode of where I question. I ask myself and my alters a shit ton of questions because I need to make sure they are still all in this thing. After that part is over I get to the place of where I am right now- doing the work by doing a ton of internal work. Internal work- it works because my people inside my head want to be heard. But sometimes I silence them because I’m not ready to hear what they have to say because I myself need to adapt.
I feel that every alter and I have a different relationship. All people communicate differently so I think communicating with alters amplifies this principal idea of mine. I am finding each alter teaching me patience because I know that it would be much easier to just push them down. Doing the work is the more difficult path but I know that internal work-works.
Yesterday my little buddy C shocked me because “he” decided that he wants to be a girl. He has been trying to figure out why we are in a female and he has wanted nothing more than to be in a male body. But yesterday C said he wants to be in a girl body because C said he wants to be closer to me. 3 years ago C was the programmed alter who wanted to end our lives because that was all he knew but today C chose to be closer to me because I accepted him as a cereal eating, electronic licking, professional dinosaur person. And now C understands why this world is better than the past. So yeh, internal work, works.