I wish I could say that this journey was getting easier and that my alters were beginning to cooperate. I wish I could say that I wasn’t sabotaging myself from getting close to others.
I wish I could say a ton of things- but thats not my reality right now. I have no idea what the hell I’m doing with this new programmed alter right now. She made strides recently but ever since going to my parents house things changed. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised because this is “the process” progressing but I’m just tried of living my life through “the process”.
I’m tired of vomiting, intrusive memories, sounds in my ears and just the continual work that I am sure is endless. I need a break from this life and there is no way out. Even if I do eventually make it long enough to integrate I still have so much more to do and I know that I can’t. I’m frustrated with myself and my alters because there’s nothing more anyone can do to push this alter to listen. She is way stronger than I realized and I’m so very tired of this process.