I didn’t think I was going to be affected by mothers day this year but it happened. I was at my parents house for a few hours on Saturday and I could just feel myself dissociating because my body felt like it was in danger.
I wasn’t in any real danger but there’s something about going to my parents house that causes a reaction in my body. I feel this feeling every time that I return to their house. The minute that I turn off of the highway, I begin to feel trapped, backed into a corner and alone.
When I’m at my parents house my alters are very afraid because it was there that we tried to end out life many times. Whenever I walking into the “suicide spot” I cringe because I remember being close to the end many times. I remember not being able to feel, the world was going in slow motion. The moment that felt like hours continues to replay inside of my head because at that time I was so out of touch with my alters. I extremely disliked their exsistance because I didn’t want to believe that my memories were once our reality.
I remember standing on the steps to the 2nd level of my parents house the first time my mother told me that she didn’t believe her mother abused me. Her words felt like knives slicing me in one million pieces. I don’t think I will ever understand why she doesn’t want to believe me. The work that I do with my T is difficult and I don’t get any positive from processing these memories. I guess the only positive I have, if any would be that I don’t have to be all alone with my memories. But the truth is that I am very afraid of being alone with all of this stuff.
Where I am in my journey right now, I’m realizing the magnitude of all of this stuff. Sometimes I just feel like such a terrible person. I’m confused about how I made it out and I have this guilt about surviving. I really like my life right now but it sometimes feels like I’m living someone else’s life. My brain allows me to rewind and replay daily life and sometime I watch it in awe because now I realize that only’s can’t but at the same time this makes perfect terrible sense. I now understand how my memories became so clear.
So many different parts of my life make sense and yes, I was sadistically abused. I think the problem that I have with my mom is that, I’m okay with my truth and I have accepted that things that shouldn’t happened did. I’m really not okay with being around her because I know she doesn’t believe my truth and that can make me sick.
I was trying to buy a mothers day card last week and I was having a real difficult time because none of the cards fit the relationship I have with her. I thought about my card situation for a few days and I realized something. Just because my mother had children it doesn’t make her a mom. Mom’s believe and defend their children and even if they can’t protect their kids from abuse they do whatever they can to make sure it won’t ever happen again.
Taking my thoughts into consideration I decided to opt out of my families mothers day festivities. Today I went to the beach with my young cousins and just reflected on how far I have come since I decided to accept my truth.