I have written over 200 posts on this blog and I feel that my blog has helped me so much along my journey of life and healing. When I write I learn to express myself a little more. I have a place to write and document both the horrors and triumphs of this life that I live every day.
But more importantly I write for those who cannot, many were not as lucky as I to escape the sadistic life. And many who did escape are silenced because of fear that has been built inside of them. Many had their innocents stolen from them even before they had the chance to experience it.
I have always thought that my innocents was stolen and lost forever -but I was wrong. Recently my friend (who knows that I am a multiple) and I were talking about something unrelated and she said that many of my mannerisms are very innocent and genuine. I do consider myself very childlike at times which I attributed to my 20+ childparts but at the moment I realized that my innocents was not lost, it was preserved and has been right in front of my the entire time.
In the past year, I have been able to reach to an entirely different level of healing. I have been accepted in ways from other people in ways that I have never imagined. When I started to realize that people accept and even like me for who I am, I was able to like myself a little more.
I spent my entire life trying to escape from myself. In a way, becoming a multiple was my way to escape from my body and my current situation that I was forced into. I often have a difficult time accepting and liking myself so I have a hard time believing that others do. I am trying to forgive myself because in my head I know that the past couldn’t have been any different because I was so very young and people didn’t protect me. Adults are supposed to protect children and when they don’t kids get hurt and the damage changes their entire lives.
But this story can have a happy ending- with work and dedication to healing. I find myself at times so overwhelmed by the healing process both the good and the not so good but even though all it all I am realizing that I wouldn’t want my life to be any other way. My experiences make me who I am and even though abuse is not the ideal situation, it happened and I can only move forward from here at least now I know my innocents was not lost forever- its here, I’m here continuing on this journey.