4 years

4 years ago my life was a complete and utter mess. Constant hospitalizations, tons of psych meds, 1:1’s and more nights spent in the seclusion room than I could count. I had no freedom or shoe laces but for some reason life inside of the hospital was easier than being outside. I was really quite terrified of my alters but now I understand that they were angry and just wanted to be heard.

I wasn’t very happy with the idea that I could no longer push down “the background noise”. I wanted nothing more than to run away from myself- I didn’t want to be inside of my body. My insiders represent my truth and even though it’s pretty terrible it is the truth. I attempted to deny my truth but it only angered my alters which caused to push against me even harder. Instead of helping me they ended up trying to hurt me.

Accepting the fact that I was a multiple was one of the most difficult things. I had no idea that typical people don’t hear chatter in their head or feel really little for no reason at all. I had to accept that my reality is not “normal” because at that point nothing else seemed to work. I no longer had the mental or physical strength to fight with my alters so I decided to try to listen to them.

The first week that I started communicating internally was this first time I realized that maybe my current therapist knew what she was doing. I was doing really well with my first group of alters but when I got to the programmed alters I experienced an entirely different level of fear than I had ever before. I was just getting used to the idea that I was a multiple so programmed alters were the last thing I wanted to deal with. So just as I did before I pushed them down- farther this time but nonetheless, they retaliated with such extreme intent to harm the system.

I hid these alters from my T for almost a year because I refused to admit that there was more. I was in extreme denial but it was really the fear of the truth. When I learned about my programmed alters memories I realized how evil people can be to others. Even though my alters and I experienced some horrific abuse we were and are still working to create our own level of peace in the system.

One thing I can say is that my life is really never boring because someone is constantly saying something funny. I own lots of coloring books and crayons and children’s books simply because my younger alters want to have their own things. I have to give up having a social life at times because I need to be alone and let my alters come out. I accept that 3 hrs of sleep is good enough because many of my alters think that it’s boring even when I have an exam the next morning. I never realized the true gift that my alters can be at times, eventhough that they were created to be hurt. 4 years ago I would have never realized I would be in the place that I am today and even though that it’s overwhelming and chaotic at times I wouldn’t change it because it (they) make me who I am. So yeh, I have this really random yet awesome little life that most people have no idea exists :)


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