Bitter sweet moments

Since this new alter emerged, I have a extremely high level of anxiety. My thoughts are going so fast because I am trying to anticipate every moment of my life.

I am terrified of losing time without knowing that it even occurred. But most of all I am most afraid of being alone with all of this stuff but at the same time all I want is to be alone because I am so needy right now. I am so conflicted with my feelings and thoughts and I find myself just wanting to go back to the person who I was before this new alter emerged.

This new alter idolizes my most sadistic abuser. This alter is young and she cries because she wants to be abused and that she misses my most sadistic abuser. The sound of her cry makes my heart hurt for the child I once was free and easy and deep and suffering all in one. Pictures of me as a baby repulse me because I look so innocent and untouched. They are safely outside my room right now but I want nothing more to destroy their existence. I don’t want to see myself as a baby because it makes me realize how absolutely helpless I was. When I look at those pictures, I can hear the sound of my new alter crying and it becomes too raw and real.

This alter is the deepest and the final programmed alter. It’s a bittersweet moment because as much as I want to be done with this introductory alter process I know that this alter is going to make all the pieces fit into this intricate puzzle of which I claim as my life.

I never thought that I would get to this point and I’m optimistic that I’m going to work through this but I have never been this terrified. I am at the point where I am actually acknowledging that yes- I was an abused child. I have been looking in the mirror and saying that very real and true sentence that has so much pain and emotion attached to it.

I am just so close to being free and my only known alive abuser is very very close to a death that I have been awaiting for quite some time right now. I know that when this person takes their last breath my alters and I will be able to breathe freely knowing that we can no longer be hurt.

I can’t wait until I can say the sentence [I am free] to myself in the mirror. I have waited for this my entire life and it am so close yet so far but I just need to tough this out a little bit longer because I am just so close.

 

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