This past week one of my alters decided that it was a good time to try to sabotage me. This alter is attempting to push all of my insiders and outside people in my life away from me. It almost worked but the thing that made my alters attempt fail was that I pushed back.
I realized that in the early stages of meeting and working with almost all of my alters they all had a component of sabotage. Even my silly little alter C had plans to rule my system. But he stopped when he realized that my world aka 2012 is pretty good and fun. I think the problem is that programmed alters don’t know what it feels like to not be abused. But just like my buddy C learned- there are so many more fun things to do then wait around to get abused.
I myself, had to learn to give up a little control because my alters feel threatened when I try to control them. This is not saying that I give them all of my control but I let them control small but important elements of my life. I let my alters have time to try things that they have never done- like coloring or my personal fav watching animal planet.
I have been thinking about this new alter a ton and I came to the conclusion that she is afraid of change. She doesn’t know anything else but abuse and getting hurt. When I asked her if she wanted to pick something from the list of stuff she had no idea what that entailed.
The farther along I get in this journey through DID I am learning that I need to be patient with myself and my alters. This difficult time will eventually pass and I have some really amazing people helping me along the way. Every time that I process a memory and learn to love my alters a little more, I am getting closer to loving and forgiving myself.
I made a list of things that I need to do in the next few weeks as I get to know this new programmed alter. I just need to trust in myself that I can get through this rough patch. And who knows, in a few months I could be writing about this alter just like I write about my beloved silly little buddy C :)