Loving my selves

Usually after therapy, I am in a pretty terrible place- I go home and I’m in this place of being in between. I’ll explain this a little better- I work with some really deep alters and then about 15 minutes before my session is over I come back to the world of 2012. The reason I have to decompress after therapy sessions is because there is such a large gap of time, consciousness, and life in general.

In the past, couple months I have had some serious hang over days. Which means when I wake up I still feel the disconnect with the world and I prefer to not be around people.

Tonight I told my T about how much all of this work was effecting me recently. We didn’t really figure anything out but I think the mere fact that I talked about it with her helped me to fight my hang over much faster. The only problem tonight was that there were people in the common area studying and they are used to interacting with me so they were trying to have a conversation with me even though I told them I needed to go. But regardless, it only took me 30 mins to decompress tonight. I went to my room and cried for 15 minutues and then I just did deep breathing and sat in the dark.

I think that maybe I give myself too much time to decompress and so something I tend to just wallow. I don’t think that wallow is the correct word but it’s the only one that I can think of right now. But I think I need to suck it up more than I do because I think the amount of time I spend decompressing can cause it to carry over to the next day.

Tonight was the first time that I ever felt that I was even close to a very programmed alter. I am realizing that all of my alters want the same thing. They all want love and comfort, which consists of nothing more than being held and rocked by my therapist while they suck their thumb. When I look at my alters like that they just seem like sweet little beings who only want to sabotage my system because that is what they were taught or they are simply afraid.

I think that I am learning to love my selves and myself. It feels pretty good.

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