Today I spent the day with my parents and from the moment they arrived I couldn’t do anything correctly according to them. I forget how suffocating that being around them can be- but today when I heard my mom call my father derogatory things and belittle him for doing nothing. I realized that I have many insecurities from the way she chooses to communicate to others.
I actually cannot blame her because her mother talked to her like that and her grandmother talked to her mother like that. So the cycle has just continued with my mom- even thought I am so angry at her- I know that she wasn’t taught the proper way to communicate with others. My younger brother has learned her ways of communication and he is verbally abusive for nonexistent reasons.
Being around my family is overwhelming because they don’t except me for who I am. It’s difficult to do all this work and know that even thought I’m changing, my family will stay the same.
This journey toward healing and truth has given a different perspective but my family will never get the chance to truly know the real me. It’s hopeless to even attempt to let them in to my new little life. I’m still trying to deal with the damage from my old lifeless life that they constantly remind me of.
Even though that my past may still be a part of my present it’s farther away than it used to be. In many ways I live a double life.
I have made it so far on this journey so far and even when my abuse was over and done- the flashbacks and body memories debilitated my existence. I remember laying on the seclusion floor when I was inpatient trying to think of how I was going to make it to the next hour. No one thought I would ever be living on my own or living my life everyday medication-free. But I did and I do live this life everyday because I broke the cycle of abuse. I break the cycle everyday that I live well and think freely.