Realizations

Sometimes I come to a realization that changes my perception of my current situation. It usually takes a lot of time and thinking to reframe the way I am thinking. I know that there are so many people who have been on and will be on this journey towards a new life just as I. But much of the time I get overwhelmed by everything that the journey entails I get so disappointed in myself. I just want my past to actually be and stay in the past. I want to be successful and happy.

But sometimes I lose my motivation and drive because this journey has been so long and I am still in the beginning stages. Everyday is new and I am apprehensive about what to do sometimes because I have never lived this life before but I realize that is a common thing even for only’s.

I forget much of the time that I am successful and I did and will continue to be successful. I am doing the best I can with the life I was given and that’s all I can do.

I need things that other people my age don’t need because they already had it during childhood. I am on the most basic level about touch and I need to just be okay with where I am because I’m doing the best I can. I am trying to look at myself how others see me- so I can stop being over critical. I am exactly where I am right now and even though I feel afraid and alone I’m not because I always have myself. The worst is finally over so anything from this point on is just defying the odds.

I didn’t choose this life it was given to me. I always forget that and I blame myself because that’s what I was taught. I realized this today when I was talking to my sister. Her and I were talking about something unrelated to this but the blaming was blatant. She was taught so many of the same behaviors as I was and even though I love my sister she makes me feel like I’m a bad person. I know in my heart that I’m not but in my brain I unconsciously go back to the automatic thought that says I am. I am working on that along with so many other thing. But I’m just living my life the best I can with the cards I was dealt.

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