I have been finding that some of the classes that I am taking are changing my life and helping me understand where my disconnect may have emerged.
In my adolescent development class we are learning about different parenting styles and how they correlate to the child’s view of intelligence. Parenting style directly impacts everything, even before the child is born.
Learning about all these things are bittersweet. The information is useful and interesting but it makes me acknowledge that I was set up to fail even in the very beginning of my existence.
Ever since I had vivid memories of my abuse I have had a hard time looking at my parents as parents. I know that I can’t do anything about the past right now. But I wonder how different my life would be if none of my abuse occurred. Even though my abuse makes me the person I am today, it still hurts to know that I didn’t even have a chance. I have no pre-abuse memories- the only good memories I have are at intermittent times when I was about my aunts house for 2 weeks a year.
For the majority of my life I have had no feelings. I was numb to the world to everything around me. When the abuse got really terrible I would just float away to my pretend utopian society that I created inside my head.
Most people go through life not knowing that such horrific things happen and exist outside of the fictitious horror movies. But, the truth is many of us know- all to well, that those movies aren’t fictitious they are our lost childhoods.