I wasn’t meant to be here

I have tried nearly my entire life to not become attached to people but during this month’s difficulties, I feel myself wanting to get close to some people. I am disappointed in myself for wanting that closeness because I know that is not their job nor do I want them to feel responsible for my tumultuous life.

I am just at this very difficult place. In addition, my heart is just hurting because I am afraid of being all alone with my life. Even though I am afraid of being alone it feels more comfortable to push people away.

Being alone was always safe for me. No one would bother or hurt me when I was all alone. However, in my life currently that is not the case. I am finding that if I do not become somewhat close to people it is not a real friendship or relationship.

I told my therapist that I did not want to feel close to her because I do not want to break her with my terrible past and she cried. She didn’t want me to feel that I couldn’t be close with her. But its an almost unconscious drive that I have to “abort mission” everything people get semi close to me.  I get overwhelmed when people get close to me or when my body craves human connection because much of the time I don’t feel like a human being- I feel like an object for use.

In the past whenever I felt something difficult coming I usually cut off contact with my friends and get rid of as much human connections as I can because my “stuff” especially the difficult stuff is a lot and I don’t want anyone to be hurt by me. I am very much an abuser myself and I cannot take those things back. I don’t deserve to have after what I did.

Its complicated living in the outside world because it’s so unexpected. People out here want to be my friends and want to be close to me but I am so terrified by that idea because I was never meant to make it out of the group alive. 

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “I wasn’t meant to be here

  1. Hi,

    I can understand what you are saying, thinking and feeling. I have been there so many times with others survivors. I wanted to let you know that being the one who gets pushed away hurts, hurts so bad. I know it takes a lot of courage to let someone into your life and to not run away or push them away. I hope that you will let someone try to be there for you.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

  2. hi,

    i reallyy relate to this. in a way , it was a huge relief to see someone else write this out in such a clear way . i feel less alone. however, my heart hurts deeply for yyou. i know this way is familiar and safe, but also so lonely and painful.

    i dont know how to change these patterns either. and most of the time i dont want to either because as you say it feels too overwhelming to be close to people at all.

    but pls know you are not alone. at least right here, right at this moment, you are heard and understood.

    i hope you’ll keep writing, keep reaching out in whatever small ways you can.

    wishing you all the best,
    k

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s