I have tried nearly my entire life to not become attached to people but during this month’s difficulties, I feel myself wanting to get close to some people. I am disappointed in myself for wanting that closeness because I know that is not their job nor do I want them to feel responsible for my tumultuous life.
I am just at this very difficult place. In addition, my heart is just hurting because I am afraid of being all alone with my life. Even though I am afraid of being alone it feels more comfortable to push people away.
Being alone was always safe for me. No one would bother or hurt me when I was all alone. However, in my life currently that is not the case. I am finding that if I do not become somewhat close to people it is not a real friendship or relationship.
I told my therapist that I did not want to feel close to her because I do not want to break her with my terrible past and she cried. She didn’t want me to feel that I couldn’t be close with her. But its an almost unconscious drive that I have to “abort mission” everything people get semi close to me. I get overwhelmed when people get close to me or when my body craves human connection because much of the time I don’t feel like a human being- I feel like an object for use.
In the past whenever I felt something difficult coming I usually cut off contact with my friends and get rid of as much human connections as I can because my “stuff” especially the difficult stuff is a lot and I don’t want anyone to be hurt by me. I am very much an abuser myself and I cannot take those things back. I don’t deserve to have after what I did.
Its complicated living in the outside world because it’s so unexpected. People out here want to be my friends and want to be close to me but I am so terrified by that idea because I was never meant to make it out of the group alive.