Last week my head got extremely quiet and it was uncomfortable to hear nothing. It’s almost lonely- and I actually found that external sounds, sound differently when my alters are quiet. I am usually not as sensitive to external sounds but when I don’t have insiders talking or making noise in my head there’s nothing else to do but listen.
I found that wearing ear plugs when I study or read helps me to retain more information and focus on whatever I am reading or doing. But I realized that when my alters are quieter or silent there is no need to stop the external noise entering my ears.
I didn’t intend for this post to be about ears but I guess that’s where it is going. I used to plan my posts and I knew what I wanted to write but now I have a different approach to blogging- free association or word vomit. I just write whatever I want- I think that may be my favorite part about blogging.
(Ok so back to the ears) My ears are a serious trigger for me. I have many memories surrounding my ears and one of my young alters is convinced that she can just get rid of my ears. I have some medical problems with my ears which only exacerbates her fears. I’m not positive that my abuse is directly related to my ear problems but it def makes my young alters memories to be entangled. My alter has a difficult time understanding that it is 2012 because her ears were hurt in a previous year and the ear pain that my body experiences is similar to hers but it has a medical source in the present.
I am constantly challenged with this alter. She is the most needy and even when I think she learns something- one of my other programmed alters either scare her or make her unlearn what my therapist or I have taught her. It’s frustrating and even though I know this isn’t the case- it sometimes feels like I waste a lot of my time with this alter. I understand that she is young but I just wish she could retain the information that I am teaching her. I tend to use bribery with all of my alters and it works well but not with her- she needs something more. She wants to be cuddled, hugged and cared for, but I just can’t give her that right now.
I just started getting used to touch and yes sometimes I crave it terribly. This life that I’m living in the present world is pretty lonely and painful. I do have support but I still feel alone because no one can truly understand. It’s difficult to feel that my life is real because my memories don’t make sense- but somehow they all make perfect sense. I don’t want my memories to make sense that’s what the point of that last sentence was-