Silent

I recently went through my blog posts from last spring. I did really well last spring. But I have been seeing signs that I are signs I tried to forget. The paranoia and the fear of being watched.

The pictures in my brain are so vivid. The numbers are continually written over and over again.

I wonder when the hell I can escape all the paranoia and fear. When the am I going to able to live the life I want in 2012. The past is not in my present but my abusers taught my alters to remember. I am teaching and showing my alters new and fun stuff to do in the present. I just wish they could stop activating the programming.

I gave so much of my life to the group- but no matter how much I gave them they still want more. Programming pollutes my thoughts and it makes my hard work seem like nothing. I fought to hard to get where I am right, and I just want to have a life without programming.

I sometimes wonder why the hell I lived when many of the other people died. The torturous life is unfair I just want freedom to think and to just be me. I tried to end my life so many times because of programming. But I guess since I’m still here it means that I’m supposed to do something with my life.

But the silent struggles that I live not many people know about. I’m living life as a fraud- I did so many terrible things. This programming has dominated my life for such a long time. It’s such a long process to work with these programmed alter who are so deep within my consciousness. I never thought I would ever be here alive to do the trauma work with a therapist. But I am here and it’s just miserable and I just wish I could get comfort from a mother figure. I say mother figure because I don’t want comfort from my biological mother because she still has my abuser in her life. I just want this to all be a terrible nightmare, and to wake up with a different life.

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One thought on “Silent

  1. Hi,

    I understand what you are saying, you feel as though you did things and you feel guilt and remorse. But you were programmed and even if you weren’t you were abused and manipulated and coerced and forced to do and be and live in the midst of being sexually abused and controlled. That is not you doing things of your own free will. That is exactly the opposite of that. I know how you feel, I feel the same way. I have to keep trying to remind myself that what I am feeling are just more of the lies that the abusers taught me to believe were truths. It takes a lot of courage to write about this stuff and to deal with it in therapy. Good for you.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

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