I recently went through my blog posts from last spring. I did really well last spring. But I have been seeing signs that I are signs I tried to forget. The paranoia and the fear of being watched.
The pictures in my brain are so vivid. The numbers are continually written over and over again.
I wonder when the hell I can escape all the paranoia and fear. When the am I going to able to live the life I want in 2012. The past is not in my present but my abusers taught my alters to remember. I am teaching and showing my alters new and fun stuff to do in the present. I just wish they could stop activating the programming.
I gave so much of my life to the group- but no matter how much I gave them they still want more. Programming pollutes my thoughts and it makes my hard work seem like nothing. I fought to hard to get where I am right, and I just want to have a life without programming.
I sometimes wonder why the hell I lived when many of the other people died. The torturous life is unfair I just want freedom to think and to just be me. I tried to end my life so many times because of programming. But I guess since I’m still here it means that I’m supposed to do something with my life.
But the silent struggles that I live not many people know about. I’m living life as a fraud- I did so many terrible things. This programming has dominated my life for such a long time. It’s such a long process to work with these programmed alter who are so deep within my consciousness. I never thought I would ever be here alive to do the trauma work with a therapist. But I am here and it’s just miserable and I just wish I could get comfort from a mother figure. I say mother figure because I don’t want comfort from my biological mother because she still has my abuser in her life. I just want this to all be a terrible nightmare, and to wake up with a different life.