I constantly ask myself who I am because I feel like my identity is constantly changing (no pun intended). I feel that through this process toward healing causes my life to change every step of the way. I feel myself becoming more comfortable within my own skin.
As I work through all the programming and the alters I find that I appreciate the small things. In the end nothing matters but happiness- nothing. The worst is over and I made it out alive. As many times as my abusers broke me down they were never able to truly break my spirit. I sometimes shock myself at how “normal” that I am- especially now after all the therapy.
I have been learning a lot about the group/cult mentality in my sociology class and I’m understanding how their rituals were so easily programmed into my brain. Ever since I learned that I stopped thinking that I could have fought back. My brain actually became re-wired and the synapses actually ran between the axons different than everyone else’s.
Learning about group tactics and mental health in general from an academic perspective has helped me heal a great deal. The first time I heard my sociology professor talk about childhood sexual abuse I was able to look at my life differently. She said that childhood sexual abuse colors your world differently and you think and learn differently. I already knew that from personal experience but hearing her say that felt different- maybe because I technically am not paying her to talk to me. I guess that saying is true education is power- for me it is truly a healing experience.