Sounds-Trigger Warning**

Trigger Warning**

I have spent most of my life hating my body and myself because someone hurt me. I was only three years old and I did not know how to fight back. I was a baby still learning about the world.

I view the world so differently. I am trying so desperately to move on because I do not want my life to be consumed by my past- and I do not want my past to be in my present. This process that I am working through right now is agonizing. I hear the sound of my young alters crying and my heart hurts for that little person- I can imagine the fear that was inside of my eyes.

The sound of my pain in the form of flashbacks is hard to listen to because all I wanted was comfort. I lived much of my childhood with sadistic grandparents who kept me in a cage. That sentence was so difficult for me to write and to say. But it is true- I spent most of my childhood locked in a cage like an animal.

I have been trying sort this out inside my head for a while. But I just do not understand why I chose to hate myself and hurt my body when other people hurt me.

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4 thoughts on “Sounds-Trigger Warning**

  1. I think we hurt ourselves and hate our bodies BECAUSE other people hurt us. I was locked in a dark closet at times and the alter who took that on feels quite unworthy and despairing. It’s been very difficult to convince him at all that he’s worthy–an ongoing process. Be gentle with yourself, you deserve it.
    ~Kali

  2. I spent until I was 2 1/2 in a cage in cellars. A summer house and the winter house. When I was 2 1/2 I spent it in a closet, in a box in the attic or a hole in the floor. Coming out only to be abused or put on display.

    I know of two others that were treated the same way. It seems to be something that is passed from generation to generation. Two separate families and two separate towns.

    I have come to know that being in the sun is critical for me. Crazy critical. I still do not have it all worked out. For me the sun is the base. It does not change anything it makes other things possible and if I am sun deprived than some things are not possible.

    Light for the eyes with a SAD light helps yet is not enough. I now use a tanning booth at what I call below tan level every four days. I am in a cloudy part of NE so there is not way to get enough sun on on skin.

    As it seems to be with all work of trauma it is not easy. In a way the sun/light thaws the scars that the sun has not healed. Being in the sun hurts some of us and they need to get used to it and it takes time.

    For me the trying to understand logically why I treated my body the way I do was a dead end. I needed to go back to when it started with the sun/light being the base of it.

    It stated with remembering the cages and closet where I lived. Then I came to know what I processed while in that cage. Colder than cold and close to starvation.

    I stay away from the understanding of trauma not based on my experiences. My body is not the same as a body that knew sun/light with out it hurting. It needs to be treated differently. To be blunt there is no warm fuzzy place to go back to. That makes a difference.

    • I bonded with concrete mostly iron though, something to touch repeatedly and exit through. Sound from my environment constantly hurts me a deep trigger I find no way to control. It feels like it will undo me.

  3. Hi Hope,

    I have known other survivors, who were ritually abused, who were caged as well. I’m sorry dear that was a part of your life and another way that you were abused.

    There is a lot of denial in our society that others in our childhood shape us immensely, but that is the truth. We value ourselves in the way that we have been valued. Abuse has taught us on a subconscious level that we have the worth that others treat us that we have. Abuse is hateful. Being abused teaches us that we are hateful and that our body is to be hated.

    I understand about not having a warm fuzzy place to go back to. Me neither. I agree with you that it does make a difference. But I can make a warm and fuzzy place in my mind, in my body, in my homespace, and in life. I know that you are working on that as well and you have a lot to be proud of in your healing work.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

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