Today I took a mental health day- not by choice but because I physically and mentally could not pull my self together in time for my class this afternoon. I had a session with my therapist this morning and I thought that I would be able to attend classes but it didn’t work out that way.
I felt like a total failure when I realized that class was not going to be a possibility today. My therapist kept me for longer than expected because I’m working with new alters and she had time. My therapist and I have a standing agreement that I am okay with staying longer if needed. Today I just couldn’t break through the dissociative block of the new alters. When I did finally come back I couldn’t even see straight and I had a severe headache. When I got home I took a shower and attempted to get ready for class but I couldn’t fight my body and my mind.
I don’t like when my past interferes with the present. I feel that my abusers have stolen enough of my life so I don’t want to miss out on anything more especially if it is school related. I think this is the reason why I felt like a total failure because I am stubborn. I refuse to let my past dictate my life any longer but at times my stubbornness interferes with my self care.
But today I just couldn’t fight my body and my brains message to slow down. I texted a supportive friend and told her how I felt and she told me exactly what I needed to hear- to stop being so hard on myself. When she said that I realized that I do need to stop being so hard on myself. I am an overachiever and I want perfection when it comes to school stuff but just because I couldn’t go to class today doesn’t make me a failure- it makes me human or dare I say “normal” :)