I am staying at my parents house tonight because my sister asked me to help her get her stuff together because she’s finally moving out. I always thought she would be the first one to move out of my parents house but I was wrong- I was the first one :)
Today after I finished my Friday classes I was actually looking forward to spending the night at my parents house. I have never had that feeling before. But that feeling didn’t last long because as soon as I got here my mom was pressuring me to give her a hug. When I told her that I did not want to hug her right now she got rather offended.
I have a problem hugging my mother and she respects me 5% of the time but the other 95% was like tonight. She told me that she can’t understand why I hug other people and I don’t hug her. I wish I could tell her the real reason- she looks very much like one of my abusers. Her skin feels the same and she smells the same. The part that is the most difficult is her eyes because they are identical to my abusers.
I have recently been thinking a lot about my abuser who is still somehow alive. She’s very sick but she continues to defy the odds of science while her cold heart still beats. I previously thought that I did not want to attend her funeral because I thought that it would speak volumes to all of my family members. But I recently realized that her death can’t be about anyone but me. I need closure and my alters need to see her not breathing anymore so they can stop being afraid. The fear that many of my alters have terrifies them almost 24/7. I have decided to go to my abusers funeral and even though most of my family will be morning her loss- I will be finally able to help my alters to experience some closure and begin to heal. Being scared all the time takes up a lot of energy and I know my alters would rather be doing something more fun like eating cereal :)