Eyes of Time

I am at this point in my life right now where I am doing okay. I have a somewhat stable life- I do still have rough days but mostly I am thankful. I am a success story and I do defy the odds of my past everyday when I choose the healthy path of life.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t feel hurt and pain. I am still very much still working through my past. I still am afraid of other people and myself. There was a long period of time that I wasn’t feeling so thankful. I tried to end my life several times but everytime one of my alters stopped whom ever was trying to die. But every time I lived and when I woke up inpatient I was angry.

I never understood why I kept escaping death when I was on the brink so many times. I wanted a life of peace more than anything in the world. I am not saying that suicide is the answer but I did deserve peace. My childhood was so chaotic and I am so lucky that I lived through it all because I have seen so many others die.

I have been thinking about eyes constantly lately. There’s something about them that frighten me. I have been working on this issue with my T and I realized that I am afraid of eyes. I never wanted to look into my abusers eyes when they were hurting me. But it’s the clearest memory that I have- when I went to one of my abusers who is still alive but sick. I needed to look into my abusers eyes once more so I could stop blaming myself for something I couldn’t control. I am not totally there yet ( blaming my abuser) but I am closer than I was before.

I guess I can say that I am lucky to be able to do this intense work with my therapist. But in the moment when I am laying on my therapists floor in pain because of body memories I don’t feel lucky at all because everytime I remember something I realize that a part of me died. I will never get any of that time back it’s lost and gone forever.


One thought on “Eyes of Time

  1. Hi,

    I’ve known other survivors who were frightened of eyes. I hate being stared at and it can be triggering to me. When I did intense memory work in therapy I couldn’t stand to look at my therapist and definitely did not want to see her looking back at me, the self-hatred and self-loathing would only increase when that happened.

    It sounds so hard to have to be the one who is on the floor, in memories and in pain. You are so brave and courageous. I wanted to say that when I was reading this post I wanted to say one thing especially to you: you are a real-life superhero as well.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.


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