I am at this point in my life right now where I am doing okay. I have a somewhat stable life- I do still have rough days but mostly I am thankful. I am a success story and I do defy the odds of my past everyday when I choose the healthy path of life.
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t feel hurt and pain. I am still very much still working through my past. I still am afraid of other people and myself. There was a long period of time that I wasn’t feeling so thankful. I tried to end my life several times but everytime one of my alters stopped whom ever was trying to die. But every time I lived and when I woke up inpatient I was angry.
I never understood why I kept escaping death when I was on the brink so many times. I wanted a life of peace more than anything in the world. I am not saying that suicide is the answer but I did deserve peace. My childhood was so chaotic and I am so lucky that I lived through it all because I have seen so many others die.
I have been thinking about eyes constantly lately. There’s something about them that frighten me. I have been working on this issue with my T and I realized that I am afraid of eyes. I never wanted to look into my abusers eyes when they were hurting me. But it’s the clearest memory that I have- when I went to one of my abusers who is still alive but sick. I needed to look into my abusers eyes once more so I could stop blaming myself for something I couldn’t control. I am not totally there yet ( blaming my abuser) but I am closer than I was before.
I guess I can say that I am lucky to be able to do this intense work with my therapist. But in the moment when I am laying on my therapists floor in pain because of body memories I don’t feel lucky at all because everytime I remember something I realize that a part of me died. I will never get any of that time back it’s lost and gone forever.