I write a lot of posts about how I wish my past no longer effected me in everyday life. And how great my life has become- which is so very true. But lately I have come to the realization that my past is going to continually effect my everyday life.
Nothing in my life will ever be easy or convenient. I am always going to have to work harder and I must continually live the life of “the process”. Living life through the process is difficult and unfair- many times I look back on everything that I had to go through and I am sad. I am saddened by the lack of so much.
I desperately want to feel and be loved. I want love from my parents more than anything in the world but I am never going to get that. I am so envious of other people much of the time- I just want a life of freedom and love. I understand that eventually I may get there and I know that about a year ago, I was close to that and I did feel a small amount of peace. But the problem was that I wasn’t letting anything out- I was pushing down and repressing the past even more than my body did. I was fighting the process because I knew that the process was going to be so painful and long.
I sit in my therapist’s arms much of the time and I just cry- the sound of this cry gives me this feeling in my heart. I feel so lonely with this process and this life- I do have many people who cheer me on everyday but it never takes away that feeling that I have in my gut-emptiness.
I am questioning everything right now and my mind is racing. I want to be free and live but I am bound to this life- of therapy sessions, internal meetings, stuffed animals, and blankies and cereal. My heart hurts from the past and continuous betrayal of my parents- I didn’t ask for this and I have so many unexplainable feelings surrounding our relationship or the lack of.
I wish I could love a person without having remnants of my past tainting my relationship. I do deserver wholesome love and companionship but I don’t know if there is anyone who would love me and all my alters. If I was in a relationship with someone it would be a lot for them to love all of me when I am not sure if I love myself.
Today I am hating the process…