Today I told my therapist the memory that I have pushed down for the longest. As I was speaking the words I felt tears running down my face. The only thing that I could feel was a feeling of being free. It took a lot of energy and emotional strength to push this particular memory down. And now I don’t have to be the only one in the world that knows- there’s someone else who can be there as I face this difficult point in my life.
I think that verbally expressing a memory is both painful and freeing. When I heard myself speak the words -I actually began to feel- something I hadn’t done in a very long time.
I felt both sorry and thankful for my alters. I was finally able to appreciate them as they are. I get so frustrated with them much of the time but today I realized how important they are in my life.
After I got home my heart just started to hurt. I have never experienced that feeling about my own past but I think that it’s important that I finally allowed myself to feel something.
For the longest time I tried to pretend like this part of my past did not exist because it was too painful. As everything started to come together I had a realization that these things did happen to me. Things started to make sense in an eerie way and I push these memories farther and farther down. I could feel the fear everyday and breathing became difficult.
But now I can breath easier because I am not alone with my truth. Today when my therapist called me an abused child I just broke down because it’s just the truth and it hurts. The past hurt me so very much but the future doesn’t have to be like that anymore because today I spoke my truth and I am free.
This song is so comforting to me right now so I thought I would share.