I have been home for a few days and it has been going okay. Not really any crazy fights, just the normal yelling and disrespectful talk that I remember so well. It feels so different to be so removed from their toxic lifestyle because I lived in it for too long.
The words that cut like daggers, the belittling, the fear that takes over my body -because I know where it can go. It can escalate to a point where I no longer want to stay here.
During those times, I always had a feeling that has been unexplainable until now. It is fear of having nowhere to go and the sense that I was going to be abandoned and left alone. Left to the hands of my abusers because that’s what used to happen when the fighting got too bad.
I know that my family does not know how much all the fighting and verbal abuse affects me. When people tell you things about yourself everyday that probably are not true- eventually you start to believe them.
I have a fear about being intelligent. I don’t like when people realize that I am smart because I feel like I shouldn’t be because of my past. My brain knows that just because someone tells you your stupid it doesn’t mean anything. But my heart knows that what parents say shapes who you are and it effects me. I keeping trying to accept and love myself but these tapes in my brain get in the way sometimes.
My dad said something to me before that really made me angry. Ok so I mentor a little girl and I do lots of things with her. And my family doesn’t get why I wanted to do something like that. So tonight my dad asked me why I “waste my time with her” And I replied (sarcasm) “I wish someone was nice enough to waste their time with me as a child”.
Oh, the constant reminders of why I cannot live with my parents.