Yesterday I realized that I’m never going to have the kind of family that I want. It’s so weird sometimes because I do get sucked back into their web of toxicity. I never forget how they are but sometimes I see this glimmer of hope- that maybe they do love me.
But that lasts for about 15 minutes until someone in my family says a verbally abusive comment. It brings me back to the real world that used to suffocate my life.
The one thing that rips apart my soul is that I thought my life and my family and my verbally abusive household was normal. It only occurred to me about 2 years ago that most parents don’t verbally abuse their kids on a daily basis.
I remember the first time I came to this realization and I was in utter shock. I asked my therapist if it was real life because I had no idea that I was living in that place with those kind of people.
It’s a serious mind eff and sometimes I just cry because I know I will never have a true mom or dad. I don’t feel any kind of parent connection with either of my parents. I don’t know how I lived in this fake world for so long. And why I did realize that it was verbal abuse. Therapeutically I was stuck because of everything I used to live with.
But saying all this- it makes me so thankful for where I am in my life right now. I got away for the first time ever- I actually escaped. And that’s liberating.