I have had one of the worst weeks in a very long time. I always have a rough time around Halloween but this year it was beyond rough.
On Sunday night I started to feel a lot of internal chaos. I started to feel out of control of many of my programmed alters. They were excited about the next day. But their excitement was not exciting for me. They began sending flashbacks because my main set of alters were trying to push them back down.
So if you haven’t been following my blog. I recently moved to the university I attend where I live in a single dorm room.
Ok so I’m in my single dorm room on Sunday night and I started have really intrusive thoughts that turned into flashbacks and then body memories. My housemates got very concerned and got my RA involved. Because I live in university housing she had to call psych services. They screened me and asked me all the usual questions. I told them that ” no I don’t want to hurt myself of anyone else”
So basically now some of my housemates are acting really uncomfortable around me. When I first moved here I felt different but being around my housemates those feelings subsided. But now I feel so uncomfortable here.
I totally understand why my housemates are uncomfortable because they don’t understand PTSD. But I just wish they could see me as the person I am despite. It has taken me so long to become a functional person and now that I have achieved well beyond that I have one bad night and people are judging me again. People are so harsh and it’s just not fair when I’m the one who deals with my past everyday. I keep it all together and I still am able to make the deans list every semester.
People who don’t really know me from time to time tell me that they wish they could be me. But to be honest I wouldn’t want anyone to have to live the life I live because everyday is a struggle. It’s still so painful and terrifying and the only thing I want is to be a boring college student. Hopefully one day I can have a boring life.